Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Finally, Moving On...

It's been a while since my last post. I thought I would update this blog. Not a lot has happened since my llast post but a lot of feelings have transpired. After the whole final blow out with Joe I just decided to do what I set out to do by sending that letter, move on with my life. I wanted to get my focus back on school, my friends, and my life. It was fine moving on because Joe's immature response just solidified my justification for wanting to disband from him. Even though he proved me right it still really bothered me that he now harbored these illogical feelings of hatred for me. I don't like it at all when people are upset with me, and he has no real reason to, even though I'm sure some of his feelings are valid and he has the right to have them. I just wish we could talk things out and at least have our door be closed in a much softer fashion. It was hard to get this qualm off of my mind but then Seth came along out of nowhere. Seth is this really nice guy I met online and we hit it off amazingly well right off the bat. We have been hanging out for the past couple of weeks and it has been really nice. He just reminded me that there are better people out there. Since meeting him I haven't once thought heavily about the whole Joe bullshit and that has been quite a nice reprieve for me! Not only that but strengthening my friendships with Shelley, Fuzzy and Tony have really been great. I love making new friends and developing friendships and it's just been really nice to be let into those peoples lives in such a strong way. I'm bouncing back, and quite quickly. I'm excited for the future, I always have been but now it's a little more uplifting since some more good quality people have entered my life.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

I Wish...

I wish J would call me. I wish he would call to talk things out and not really apologize (because it's not really necessary) but at least say that he was wrong or felt badly for things. I just want him to make amends. I miss the stubborn and selfish bastard... well not that side of him, lol. I miss our friendship, well the friendship we had before we broke up. I keep thinking about how much he changed after he broke up with me and I keep wondering... was he only nice to me because he felt he had to be because we were dating? Was he just my friend out of responsibility? I don't think that was the case, but it's a possibility. I just wish he didn't harbor so much anger towards me now, but it's to be expected. I don't dislike him, hate him, or have any strong negative feelings for him other than annoyance and frustration. I'm more or less just disappointed and slightly sad. I'm moving on just fine, it just sucks to have to have things end this way. I know I brought it on, but I just couldn't sit there anymore being silent because I couldn't stand it anymore, just hearing the tone of his voice to me on the phone or even the tone of his IM's just made me feel less than someone in his life, and that made me wanna claw my eyes out.

Things will be interesting in the next couple of months. Soon his cousin will be out of jail and since I am decently good friends with him I am wondering how J will deal with that. He seems to be dealing with Shelley and I being friends fine, so that's good. I'm just hoping it stays that way and that he doesn't start to become all ultimatum-ish with them. Soon his cousin will have a new house and is going to be throwing parties, I'm sure I'll be invited, and I'm sure J will too... that's where things will get interesting. I'm sure eventually we will have to be at the same place, and I don't mind that... like I said, I have no qualms with him and don't care to start drama, that's the last thing I need. I just hope he can be mature, but that's probably asking for too much, we shall see... I'm not putting any faith in it. I just wish things were different, but they aren't so onward we go!

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Reflection & Looking Ahead...

I was thinking about the recent events over the weekend, ya know, the letter and J's out lash. I started to feel some regret but after examining my feelings I realized that I should have no regrets. I did what I felt I had to do. I felt that having a simple conversation with J about my feelings on our friendship would do nothing, because he doesn't do well with one on one conversations. It's almost as if things go in one ear and out of the other. The times when he has most payed attention have been when I have written something to him... anything, even good things. So by writing him that letter and also removing him off my MySpace I knew it would make more of an impact than if I just verbally expressed myself... well I'd also have to get him to answer his phone which was almost impossible while we were "friends." At least now he will sit with this and think about it, just like he did with the Marie thing (if he wants to run with the incomparable comparison then I'll continue with it too). He told me while we were dating that he still misses her. The way they ended their friendship was dramatic, full of rage, and really immature... but as much as he hates her, when he talked about her I could look in his eyes and hear subtle tones in his voice that all described to me the regret he has for a lot of things that happened in regards to that situation. I have a feeling in a few months time there will be some regret in regards to his feelings on me, but knowing J, his extreme stubbornness and pride will always get in the way of him ever expressing that or addressing those feelings. That's fine with me, because it's to be expected.

Even after all of this bullshit I still miss him. Like I said in my letter, which I genuinely meant he will always have a place in my heart, and a good one. He will always be someone I care about and I will always wish him the best in life. And still, even right now, if he REALLY needed me for something I would be there for him. I understand his anger to which he is throwing at me, and why he is. I know that deep down inside he is not really angry with me, he just can't control the feelings that this whole situation has caused and he is channeling it the only way he knows how, with anger. The boy, since I have known him, has so much anger inside. I have always tried to help find a reason for it, and be something in his life to relieve the need for that negative expression, but he holds it so close because it's comfortable for him only because it's so familiar to him. I hope he can continue to grow and find a way to let go of the anger he has inside that he uses all of the time. Like he said to me several times about himself "A therapist would have a field day with me."

Eventually, sometime in the second quarter of 2008 I will contact J. I'm hoping by that time he will have some positive things to say. I'm hoping we can at least talk calmly about the situation that has transpired and truly close some doors, because obviously there is negative emotions he is carrying and I still have some of my door left to close. I have found, in situations like this, that if you let a significant amount of time pass and eventually talk with that person that you are able to bandage up the wounds of the past and move completely forward, and should never have to think back and feel those negative things again. I have done it once with a dear friend who I completely intentionally destroyed out of anger (back when I was much like J, but I, self-admittingly was far more vicious)... 5 years past without us ever talking. We finally had to because a mutual friend was getting married and we were going to have to be at the same place. So we talked it out and we are now friends again :) I'm not saying J and I will be friends again, but I'm hoping that if enough time passes we can at least be civil and properly close our door with nice words. And if a new door opens in the process, like it did with my friend then so be it.

Good Night.

Friday, October 12, 2007

He's Pissed...

So J read the letter and that was that. I expected it to be a silent ending with no response back but boy was I wrong. I posted a Bulletin on MySpace that said:

-------------------------------------------

I finally ended things with Joe... The Friendship could no longer go on this way, it disgusted me. It saddens me to have to cut someone out who I cared so much about and treated very well, but I deserve to be treated better and with more consideration. I value my friendships and treat my friends with respect and admiration. My friendship with him post-break up was horrible and rather insulting to me. So time to move on.

I updated my blog on Blogspot which talks more about it, if anyone is interested. Anyway... I'm sad, disappointed and frustrated but at the same time relieved that I no longer have this weight on me.

-------------------------------------------

So I later get a comment from one of my best friends on my MySpace thats says:

"I'm soo glad you finally decided to trim the fat out of your life. It was doing you no good.congratulations!"

-------------------------------------------

Well J obviously went to my MySpace and read that comment... when I got home tonight I was welcomed to this wonderful message:

-------------------------------------------

Yes Daniel...I'm glad you trimmed the fat outta your life too as she so eloquently put it...now I know what you really thought of me!! Awesome...great! And the deleting only adds insult to pseudo-injury...cuz I sure ain't hurt. I feel refreshed to be totally honest. Call me irrational, but since we broke up, I have got nothing but constant gnawing from you dude...its called clingy, and its called not letting go! At least to me it seems that way. So since you deleted me I am taking the liberty of blocking you, cuz I don't care to know your response to this message. Am I doing exactly what I did to Marie? Yes! We are doomed as they say...so now you and her have something in common besides just knowing me.

-------------------------------------------

He not only blocked me on MySpace but he also blocked me on AIM, but I have 10,000 screen names so I used one the ones I knew he didn't have. I think the only thing that pissed me off was the fact that he called me clingy because my actions after his birthday were anything BUT clingy. All I did was call him once or twice to get an update on things in his life, had meaningless trivial conversations with him on AIM, and asked him if he would like to hang out sometime. I didn't push or do anything clingy whatsoever. I was acting like a friend. I was acting like I do towards any other friend I have. So he can fuck off with that bullshit. He's obviously upset that his shitty treatment of people has finally been exposed and he feels the only way to cover up his own shame is through anger and retaliation. It's such a mature thing to do! Way to go J! OMG I am so over this crap.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

I Ended Things...

I couldn't stand how J was treating me... so I decided to write my feelings and cut him loose. Here is the letter I wrote him. I sent it just a few minutes ago.

-----------------------------------------------

I know how much your head hurts when certain things are brought up in discussion but for one last time just deal with it and read what I have to say. If you ever cared about me just read this and then you don’t have to do anything else for me ever. Who knows by the end of reading this you may be jumping for joy and feel very relieved so it could be very much worth it. Just do me this one last favor. By the way I sent this to your E-Mail as well, just incase MySpace fucked up.


We have known each other almost six months now. In the vast majority of that time you have treated me with caring, warmth and respect. You have treated me like a friend, like someone who mattered in your life, like someone who you wanted around. Ever since we broke up all of that has gone out of the window, in every regard, without exaggeration. I have to say that I am beyond confused, insulted, and downright hurt.



When we broke up you made it a point to make some things known. First you stress to me that you really care for me, think I’m an awesome guy and that sometimes you think you love me. Ok sure that’s not love but if you were somewhere in that ballpark then at least that signifies that you do very much like me and enjoy my presence in your life. To solidify that fact more you made it very clear to me that you didn’t want to lose me in your life, that you wanted me to be your friend, even saying to me “don’t take too long” when I told you I needed some time alone to process and heal. So there was this sense of longing on your behalf for us to still be connected in someway. Well I took about a week and a half up until your birthday, to have my alone time, and then after delivering your presents I made it clear that I was ready to be your friend, but ever since that day you have been anything but my friend.


We have talked about your issues with your current friendships several times. It’s something in your life that you want improvement on. You have always described yourself to be, at the least, dissatisfied with your friendships. You complained that your friends don’t ever call you to see how you are, get an update. They only call you if they need something or just want a one sided conversation. You felt that your friendships lacked substance and caring to some degree. When I told you I would continue to be your friend after we broke up I stipulated that I would put in as much effort into our friendship as you did, and you said to me exactly these words “I wish my friends would do that for me.” I’ve always wanted to show you what a real friendship is like, the ones that surround not only me but many people I know. Friendships where you actually feel like those people in your life give a damn about you.


So I treated you exactly how I treat all of my friends. I called you to say hello and see how you are doing. I contacted you through Internet means. I extended invitations to hang out or to make plans together. I was active in our friendship, and was very much trying to be your friend. And what do I get in return? Nothing. I get ignored when I try to call you. You don’t return my calls. When you actually talk to me on the phone you are very short with me, and your tone sounds like you don’t want to have anything to do with me, like talking to me is a burden for you. You ignore my instant messages a lot of time and are always trying to get out of conversing with me. Not only that but since we broke up you haven’t once contacted me without prompt from me and nor have you cared to ask how I am doing or anything regarding my life.


You’re always so much in a rush to not talk to me or be involved with me in anyway. You always find an excuse not to hang out. You treat me so shitty. It almost seems intentional. It seems like you are being this way because you want me to just give up on our friendship and get out of your life without you having to make the uncomfortable decision to just say that to me. You have been acting like someone who doesn’t give a damn about me. You treat me so coldly and exactly the opposite of how you treated me through the majority of us knowing each other. In all regards you just seem like you could absolutely care less about talking to me, and in a way it very much feels like you’d be happier if we weren’t friends. For someone who told me that you don’t like to burn bridges you certainly know how to pour on the gasoline and light them up really quickly.


Do you realize that if I didn’t instant message you or call you that we would probably NEVER talk to each other? You told me the other day online, “I don’t work hard to make relationships work, they just have to happen” … ok that’s fine, and I agree if you have to work hard to make a friendship work then what’s the point? But a friendship can’t just maintain itself, some effort has to be applied on both sides. You KNOW that because you told me about how your friends treat you and that you wish they would apply more effort and now look at how you treat me. You treat me just like they treat you, and even worse actually. It’s beyond me how we can go from being good friends who had the addition of being boyfriends, to this cold extremely distanced friendship.


Then there are the trivial things that really don’t matter but still maintain some sort of validity to them. For example, your MySpace. We both know that you put meaning behind the movement of your top friends list. Logically I was always number two when we were dating, then after Kurt moved in I got moved to number four, understandable. Then I got moved even one more place and at that point I had inquired why. You told me you arrange your top friends in order of how often you see those people. Then a couple days after that Michelle had asked me randomly “why is Joe still your number two?” and I told her… well I haven’t rearranged my top friends list yet, I just expanded it to a top 16, but I suppose I could adjust it accordingly. And unfortunately because of the way you have approached our friendship I moved you to the line of top friends that don’t really talk to me that much or put much effort into their friendship with me, and everyone higher than you does. Then when I get home from my weekend in St. Augustine I see that you moved me completely off of your top friends list. I hardly find that a coincidence. It makes no sense how someone who “cares so much about me” and who at times “thinks he loves me” and who “doesn’t want to lose you in my life” and is very much wanting to be friends just discards me like that. But all of that MySpace shit doesn’t truly matter because it is so trivial, but it still holds some importance in this situation.


I have been scratching my head to figure out why you would be treating me this way. At first I thought maybe you felt the pressure of the commitment you made about mentioning to me that we may have a romantic future together sometime in the future and you realize that, that was an empty promise and you just wanted to distance yourself from me to negate what you said. My next thought was that you are just an inconsiderate user. That you just kept me around because it was comforting, and once Kurt moved in you didn’t need me in your life anymore, you already had a friend there for you. Then I thought that maybe you were pushing me away out of shame because you may feel bad for treating me so shitty while I have been tried and true to you always being there for you even after all of the bullshit. Then it occurred to me that maybe you were upset that Shelley and I have become closer friends. Maybe you also are upset that I talk to Tony still. Then I thought that maybe you found a new guy and didn’t want to deal with the possible complexity of being friends with me while your dating someone. Or maybe you just thought it would be inappropriate to talk to your ex while trying to be involved with someone new. I have no idea. Those are the only possibilities I can think of, of why you would treat me with such disregard.


You must be upset with me, that is the only thing I can think of, and honestly I think it has to do with me being friends with Shelley. All she did was check to see how I was doing the week after we broke up. Then one night, when I was really sad and I just wanted to go out and have some fun but all my friends had plans. So I called Shelley and asked if her and Fuzzy wanted to hang out and so we did. It was nice to get out and we had a fun time. Ever since then we have just been keeping in touch and becoming closer friends it’s just happened naturally. We don’t talk about you to each other, out of respect. We both even addressed the possibility of you becoming upset about us being friends. But we both agreed that there shouldn’t logically be a problem with it, cause there is nothing wrong with that especially since you want to be my friend and still have me in your life. I told her I didn’t want it to be perceived either to her or you that I was trying to “get to you” through her, like I said I’m over immature games like that and I would never use another person to hurt someone else, that’s just horrible. It’s nice to make a new friend. So if Shelley and I’s friendship has anything to do with why you are treating me like this then you should have said something.


If you are hurt about something and wanted to get back at me then congratulations you have succeeded. You have hurt me. You have added insult to injury. You win. I give up. I am a good guy who has been nothing but nice to you regardless of the pain you have placed upon me. I respected you and your decisions towards me, and would never do anything to hurt you. So am I supposed to take this not so subtle hint? Am I just supposed to take the cue and accept that you really don’t care about me being in your life at all?


I have been nothing but a friend to you. I haven’t done anything mean to you. I have been supportive, respectful and everything that a friend should be. I can’t figure out why I deserve this from you. And I’m definitely not exaggerating about any of this. You treat me less than an acquaintance. You treat me like I’m someone you don’t want to have anything to do with, and for the life of me I cannot figure out why. Put yourself in my shoes. Remember when your ex rejected you and you went nuts and told your mutual friends not to talk to him, and the Marie thing happened… you even fought with Tony about it too. You used your pain as vengeance to some degree. So you know how that feels. Well I too wanted to inflict pain on you in the very beginning but I realized I’m so much more mature than that and I am beyond those days in my life where if I was hurt I would turn around inflict it back. I care about you so much and from all the nice and encouraging things you said to me during our break up I decided that I wanted to take the high road and truly wanted to be a great friend to you. But now day in and day out you just keep pushing me farther and farther away.


If that is the case I will walk away no problem. A week ago I finally got my emotions back together and have started to feel confident and happy again. I have set new goals for myself that I’m excited about getting started. I’m over the pain you caused with your sudden break with me. And over the past couple of weeks since your birthday, witnessing first hand how you treat me as a friend, I have just grown more and more disgusted by your treatment of me. So walking away from this friendship at this point really wouldn’t be a problem. At least I could walk away from you and I with my head held high because I know that I was a good friend to you: truthful, honest, treating you with respect and like someone who I gave a damn about. I’ve always supported you and been there for you. I have never in our near six months of knowing each other ever treated you less than a friend. I can’t say the same at all for you. You treat me less than an acquaintance, you treat me like someone who has hurt you and whom you just don’t give a damn about. I am so much more than that and have done nothing to deserve this.


I am good person. I am a great friend. I treat people well. I have many solid and meaningful friendships because my friends and I work equally to maintain our close bonds and it’s effortless because when you care for people maintaining friendships always are just that, effortless. Like you would say “it just happens.” It’s when people don’t care about others when things slip away and crumble. I’m left to assume that you are the one who just doesn’t care. All of those words about “needing me in your life” and “not taking to long” and thinking “I’m an amazing person” and you “not wanting to burn your bridges” and even that disgustingly empty expression “maybe someday when things get together for me I would have to no problem asking you out again”… all of those things were just colorful words to keep the peace and to make you seem like you care, but your actions speak much louder and more truthful than any of those words you have said to me. You don’t treat me like you respect me, or even care at all about me.


All of this saddens me. I’m so disappointed in you. I had hoped for once that your actions and words would match. But they don’t. You have confused me beyond no ends. You are losing someone who really gives a damn about you. For the longest time I put up with a lot of immature bullshit, that you even said to me you wouldn’t put up with. But all this friend bullshit is beyond me, and I will no longer swallow it, I have a lot more respect for myself than that. No one who cares about me treats me with such disregard. I’ll quote a song that’s been on the radio lately… “you tell me you need me then you go and cut me down.” You told me after our first break up months ago that you needed me and then a little over month later you simply cut me down from your rope. Then at that point you held up a new rope, the rope of friendship, and said once again that you needed me, so I struggled to climb on but was there hanging on and once again you just cut me down, this time through silence.


I’ll say this again I have done nothing to deserve this. I unconditionally care for you and have always been your friend and nothing less. You got angry at me when you broke up with me for saying that I didn’t think you really cared about me, and I thought that maybe you were right… but now, there is no way you could convince me or anyone else who would watch the friendship we have had over the past several weeks that you do care like you said you did. You have successfully burned our bridge. I’m almost positive that this is what you have wanted, for me to finally give up. Well you win. I’m so much better than this and I will walk away without a tear or self-doubt because I know who I am and all the good I have done for you and with that confidence I will happily move forward, allowing the ashes of our burnt bridge to fly away in the wind.


Regardless of how this has all come to pass I genuinely can say that I will always love you. I wish so much that you would care enough to want to be my friend. I wish so much that things were different, and I don’t understand why they are not. I do not harbor hate for you, or even dislike. I’m just gravely disappointed. You are a great person with a huge heart. You could charm the pants off anyone. You have a lot of growing up to do but I have faith in that you will get there. I honestly wish you the absolute best in life. I hope you get into USF and finish your degree. I hope Apollo lives a long and happy life with you. I hope that Kurt and you continue to become better and better friends. I wish you the best, and I always will. I’m sorry I can’t be a part if that any longer, but I can’t carry this weight anymore. This drastic change between you and I has the potential to slow my movement forward in life and until you can treat me with the respect and caring that you did before we broke up then I have to take my leave from you. I hope you can always look back at me and see a good guy who cared unconditionally for you, and who would have always been there for you through thick and thin, regardless of what kind of relationship we were in. If I have hurt you in any way then it was unintentional and if I would have known about it I would have mended it in a blink of an eye.


Take care of yourself. I hope life treats you well and that you end up exactly where you dream of being. I wish I could be around in your life to see all of those things happen. Good Luck & Good-Bye.


Sincerely,
Daniel

-----------------------------------------------

Pressing the send button was one of the hardest things for me to do, but this was necessary and I need to move on from this because I am a better person than this and deserve better. I am sad, but I am more relieved that I can now move ahead without this crap weighing me down.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Case In Point....

So I was just cruising around on MySpace and noticed that J had taken the time to move me down another spot on his top friends list. I couldn't help but instantly IM him about it. He says he lists them in order of people he sees the most, not favorites. Ok whatever. So this is what I said to him:

"I just miss our friendship and I'm trying my hardest to make it strong, and the past couple of days have been nice joking with you and having funny conversations like we used to have... I'm just looking forward to becoming friends like we were and hopefully hang out more. I just miss the friendship aspect of us and I want that to be strong again."

Then he replies with such a cold response:

"Look, the way I see it is just leave it alone, if it happens then cool, I'm getting along with you fine... I don't work hard to make a relationship work, it has to happen."

First off "if it happens then cool" how non-shalant is that? That's like saying, "eh, if we stay friends that's cool, if not oh well." I can really feel the love! Now I find the second bolded part very naive. He specifically told me that he is upset how his friends don't put in any work or effort into their friendship with him. They don't call to see how he is and such so in return he does the same. How does he expect to have something "just happen" the only way that works is if the other people do most of the work... keeping in touch, making plans etc. The funny thing is, I have put myself out there and am doing just that. I keep in touch with him meaning I contact him and I throw out the opportunity to hang out and yet he just doesn't take it from there and beyond that he doesn't even put in any effort towards me period. It has to happen? That makes no sense. Oh well... I ended the conversation saying "maybe sometime between now and the 12th we can hang out, do something fun... with others or just us, I don't care I miss hanging out" and finally I said, before he signed off, "call me sometime bitch."

So there... tag he is it. I have (sorry was interrupted by a phone call...) So yea... dammit, J just called me. Ay yi yi... maybe I'm just overreacting and am still a little sensitive. That probably is the case. The real test for me though is if he starts to take the initiative, calls me or contacts me more often (instead of me always contacting him), asks to hang out or includes me in plans. Regardless of "it has to happen" he can't just expect anyone to give a flying fuck about him if he doesn't at least put forth some sort of effort. J is always up and down, like he would say "I'm bipolar." Maybe this friendship will be worth it, maybe it won't. Time will tell.

I'm Trying, He's Not...

It's finally the beginning of October which would have made it the start of J's and I 6th month together. Oh well. I am doing a lot better now, especially since we started communicating again. It's been rather frustrating for me as well because he is seemingly putting in no effort into our friendship. He acts so flat and uninterested in talking to me that it makes me angry. This is someone who "cares so much about me" and who at times "thinks he loves me" who says that "I really want you in my life." Not only that but when I tell him I need time alone and that we can't talk he says sadly "well don't take too long." Yet when I come around and offer my friendship he just kinda treats it with no sense of enthusiasm. His actions and his words are so different that they are basically not only speaking another language but talking about two different things as well. He tells me he cares yet he acts like he doesn't. Not once since we started talking again has he asked how I was, how school was or anything involving me. I am the only one putting in the effort. I make it obvious I care whereas he is so cold to me that it's ridiculous. It almost feels like he is doing it on purpose to deter me from being friends with him. Like he is hoping if he keeps this up that I'll just drift away, and you know what? It's a good plan because it's working.

I have to give him credit though. He is now answering my instant messages and responding to the jovial conversations I am starting. It's nice to joke back and forth with him, talk about stupid things and just be friends. It makes me smile and happy when I get to have those moments with him because that's what I miss the most. I don't really miss the romantic aspect of us... sure I miss his lips, the feeling of my arms around his body and such but what I miss more is that fun companionship, the friend aspect of us. I miss talking to him on the phone, coming over and eating dinner then watching Stargate or some other TV DVD thing. I miss helping him shop at Wal-Mart or even going out and grabbing a drink at the club. I would love to do other things too. I just miss that friend stuff. But I am the one taking the initiative. I am the one trying to communicate. The only times he has reached out to me is 1) to call and tell me he couldn't hang out with him on a day I had asked if we could and 2) to tell me his cousin is in jail. That's it. I won't take the stupid excuse that he is busy because I know he is not that busy that he can't send me an IM or call me for 5 minutes and see how I'm doing, simply say hello, or make some sort of future plans to hang out? No one is that busy. At least if this all crumbles I can keep my head up high and firmly say "I meant what I said, I did want him in my life and wanted to be his friend and I was just that, a good friend" and he will not be able to say the same. If things end like this then at least I walk away the good guy and him just the inconsiderate asshole who tells people one thing and does another. I'd rather be me personally.

I miss J but day in and day out, as our new found friendship continues on, I realize how different we are, and as much as I like a challenge he takes it to an extreme. It seems I am always finding the extremes with people. With Mike D it was crazy over emotional smothering and with J it was like a complete non-emotional and inconsiderate desert. Why can't I find a middle ground person? Someone who is not a complete open book, who isn't extremely easily accessible but yet not closed off to where you only get a glimpse of emotion, compassion, consideration once in a blue moon? Someone who can make me feel loved and important but also keep me on my toes. I'm sure that person exists but who knows if I will ever get the chance to cross paths with him. This whole situation still makes me feel like I'm kinda worthless, even though I know I'm definitely not. Not only was I rejected in the relationship but I'm seemingly being rejected in the friendship too, it's so demoralizing and upsetting. I dunno... we shall see how October goes. I will at least give him until around October 13th which would be one month since we broke up. Only time will tell...

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Trying Out Some Advice...

It's quite obvious that I have not been myself since J and I broke up. I have been so lost, alone, broken, confused, aloof. Having the rug slipped out from under you suddenly kinda does that. I have received a lot of varying advice from my wonderful friends. I am so fortunate to have them in my life, they are the best and most consistent things in my life and always will be. Significant others come and go, and yes so do friends but the ones I keep around me now are friends I will have forever, I can't imagine my life without them. Anyway... getting off track. Some friends have told me to focus on school and my other responsibilities. I tried that and I have been so distracted by all of this emotional pain that it makes focusing my energy very difficult. Another suggestion was a hobby. I am actually working on that, my whole gym / nutrition venture. But that will take a lot of planning before I can go ahead with it, so for now it's not helpful. Another friend suggested I get "back up on the horse" meaning go out and meet new guys. My initial thoughts about that is, no that won't help. I don't want anyone else but J. I was so physically attracted to him it was insane, so magnetic and captivating because he was everything I could have ever wanted in that regard. Emotionally he was not close enough to my type. He is so far behind in his maturity, view on life, and the way he goes about things that most of the time I didn't feel emotionally stimulated. But I stayed with him because I believed in him. He did make me happy, don't get me wrong. I had a very special connection with him. I've seen the amazing person he is and we have so much in common, but in the end the things we have in common were so trivial. The main problem between him and I was that (as Melanie put it) we are at very different places in our lives and that makes for the hardest relationship sometimes. I was willing to take a back seat and let him catch up, because he is worth it, but I realize now that what if he never caught up? Then what? I'm a very logical person and I know very well that this breakup was necessary. It's just the loneliness, disappointment and especially the rejection that makes this so tough.

So... someone said, go out and meet new guys. I decided to give it a shot. So I scoured MySpace and Gay.com, even the local bars with friends. I ended up sending out friendly messages to people I thought might be interesting. The tough part for me was everyone I looked at, I thought to myself "that isn't J" and I'd miss him. I almost felt like I was cheating on him, it's weird. Well, some people replied and I have chatted with a few people on AIM, some even on the phone and some of those in person. Every time, no matter how I'm talking to them I feel awkward. I don't feel right, like I am doing something bad. My instincts tell me this is not what I need to be doing, and my heart tells me that as well. The thought of a relationship or getting involved with anyone right now makes me feel claustrophobic and stressed. I have opened Pandora's box right now. I've made a connection with someone who really likes me. He doesn't know that two weeks ago I broke up with J. We have great fun conversation, but it just doesn't feel right. He likes me and I need to be straight up with him. He is coming over to my apartment tomorrow and I need to tell him what is going on, I have to be 100% honest because this is going to end up possibly getting emotionally hurtful to myself and more importantly someone else. I have become J now and do not know what I want and I refuse to make the same mistake he made with me twice. I will not play with someones emotions. I need to put my thoughts and feelings on the table and be open and honest like I always am.

This whole go out and date thing just isn't feeling comfortable. I have too much on my mind. I'm still a little hung up on J, I have school and my future with school to focus on, and I have to get more stable in general before I can even think of adding the responsibility of someone else's emotions to my plate. It's always something right? Life...

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Friendship Already Looking Bleak...

I'm truly getting the typical J friend treatment as of right now. All of his friends IM him, message him on MySpace, call him... he never gets back to you. Only when it's convenient for him. When his friends stop trying to call him, or communicate in other ways he says "they must not care if they aren't trying to get in touch with me to see how I am." It's funny being on the friend side of things... Now I have a new perspective on his treatment of them. I'm getting the impression he is mostly at fault for the failings of his interpersonal relationships. I mean I knew that before but now it's becoming even more so clear. Oh well... I am doing my part to keeping the very innocently friendly lines of communication open. Eventually I will stop, and just drift away like the rest of his friends and if that ends up happening after a month or so of not talking (if it actually comes to that) I will send him an e-mail or letter describing my opinion on the matter and that will be that, case closed. I may be jumping the gun here right now... it's only been one day since we started talking again, and he has a lot going on with his friend moving in, so he may be busy... but I know J very well and this behavior regardless of what is going on in his life is far too common. Oh well. It's actually helping me move on from him... his blatant disregard for my efforts for friendship is so unattractive and as much as I find him physically attractive I am finding him more and more personally unattractive and that's truly what keeps people in each others lives. His looks will only get him so far. I am going to stand firm with what I told him... "I will put as much effort into our friendship as you are going to." Things are looking pretty bleak right out the gate.

I Finally Saw Him...

Today was J's Birthday. After class today I called him and drove to his house to drop off his present. When I came into his house he was moving stuff into one of the back bedrooms... I asked what he was doing and his new friend Kurt who he just started becoming closer friends with MOVED IN! This is a huge and unexpected move, but I honestly think it's a great thing for him. I told him he needed to get closer with his friends, and him and Kurt have been hanging out a lot so I think that this will be great. He won't sit at home alone and bored, he'll have a friend close by. I dunno... I think this is a great move for him. But with all great things comes a some bad to. Here is my prediction... now that he is living with a friend he will have no more need to have me around in his life at all and he will barely communicate with me and when he does it will be brief and one sided. Anyway... seeing him was a little rough and a little interesting as well. I walked in and was acting very confident and peppy. There was still this awkward tension in the air but we both managed to cut it. He opened his presents and was thankful and such. We talked for a little bit... or rather I talked to him, asked him questions about normal stuff... he really didn't have much to ask me about, self-fish uncaring bastard, lol. It sucked because all he was wearing was his gym shorts and he looked so good, but I definitely did not feel the urge to be like "lets date again!" I wanted a hug and if I am being honest I could have done with having one last kiss, but that wouldn't be a good idea. I didn't stay very long. He had shit to do and so did I. He initiated the goodbye hug and he squeezed me really hard and lifted me up and then I lifted him up. Then I kinda screwed up a little bit and before I walked to the door I gave him another big hug and held on for a tad too long, I noticed this mainly because of how he got out of it, a tiny tiny bit forceful. Lol.

Do I miss him? Sure, I always will. Will I get better? Of course. Slowly but surely I will get to where I need to be. I just hope we can be friends. I am leaving that up to him because I already put the offer on the table so he's going to have to take the next step.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Not Better Than Expected...

This weekend I had to make a 3 hour trip to St. Augustine to do some research on the city. I ended up going with one of my classmates, Greg. I not only went with him but he brought his boyfriend Brian. It was really hard being around a happy gay couple all weekend. It reminded me a lot about what I miss about J and I. I thought being away and busy would get my mind off of things but seriously there is still not a second in the day that goes by without J on my mind. My thoughts of him have no even dwindled down yet and it's been 11 days. In one and half hours it will be 12am Monday, Sept. 24th which is his birthday. I am going to post a nice happy birthday message at exactly 12am on his MySpace. Then after class tomorrow I am going to go over to his house and giving him the presents I bought for him. I have to say that time is going by so slowly... I want to see him so badly. We broke up on the 13th and I haven't physically seen him since the 9th. I really just want to give him a big hug. I miss him and I won't deny that. I do respect his decision to not want to be in a relationship and I am not going to go over there and cross any lines or start any discussion about the situation. I just want to see him, hopefully make him smile with my gifts and that's it. That's all I could ask for. I'm really hoping that when I call him tomorrow after class he actually answers and if he does, I hope he still will let me come over. I don't see why not, since he does want me as a friend. So until then... Man the next half a day is going to go by slower than ever.

Friday, September 21, 2007

He Moved Me...

This morning I checked my MySpace, and happened to go to J's and he moved me from #2 on his MySpace to #4. I know that is a STUPID reason in general to get any kind of upset about, but it bothers me none-the-less! I want to call him and find out why... ugh I'm not even going to get into my reasons behind why that actually bothers me. Be rest assured I'm actually NOT going to call or contact him over this. No reason to mention it because it would cause an unnecessary uncomfortable conversation. I guess I'm just put off. Oh well, what can I do? Bleh! It's weird how little things like this erk you, or at least me.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Sanity Creeps Back In...

I feel that I have gained at least a small percentage of my sanity back, even just in the past couple of hours. The mousse incident this morning was rough, and I opened that vitamin bottle and definitely does not smell good anymore, haha. I forgot to mention... if you refer back to my "Friendship..." post it says how I had asked if we could still go to Universal Studios together on Friday (which is tomorrow) and he finally messaged me back today and said this:

----------------------------------------------

Daniel, I planned that trip to Universal for it to be stress free, and no offense but right now I think we are a source of stress in each other's life... so I don't think it would be for the best...sorry man :( I still got tickets though, so when this thing blows over we can totally go. And in terms of stress, I hurt my damn back yesterday in the gym, so it should be so much fun anyways, you might not WANT to be around me lol.

----------------------------------------------

This kinda upset me because he considers me stressful... when I have been doing nothing but keep my distance from him. I can definitely understand potentially how he could be stressed by all of this, don't get me wrong, but I dunno... like I said earlier I wish he missed me, but whatever. So after all that I went to class and got my assignment due for next week. The assignment requires me to travel to St. Augustine, which is 4-5 hours away, and do a bunch of research, drawings and other architectural stuff. So this at least gets me away and busy for the weekend and it's almost like a vacation because I have never been there, have always wanted to go, and I heard it's beautiful. So off I go on Saturday! Tomorrow will probably be rough because I know I'll be sitting around doing nothing and thinking about how J is at Universal right now with god knows who. But I can take my free time tomorrow to do laundry, go do some laps in the pool... I'll of course call a few friends see if they are free to relax. I know tomorrow night I am going to see a movie with some friends and then hit a bar later that night with an old ex to catch up, so that'll be fun. I just need to get through the first three quarters of the day, gotta keep busy!

Speaking of doing things to keep me focused... I am going to take on strict weight training and dieting. I am a skinny guy and have always wanted to bulk up and get nice and toned. So I have been doing research about proper muscle building diets and routines and while I'm going to be miserable trying to adjust to it all I am sure I will be happy with the results months down the road and it will help boost my physical confidence and of course pump me some endorphines! I guess I'm also doing it to eventually get to J. I'm definitely not doing it for him, I am doing it for myself but it would be nice to visually rub it in his face the new nice body I will have which I know he wants to obtain. Granted he has a nice body but I know I can define my muscles better than he can because I have much less body fat, so he'll see what he gave up and I'm going to work my ass off to get to my visual goal. It'll be a good thing all around for me to do.

Anyway... I think overall I can project that by the end of next week I should be doing better, much better than I have been. I could be wrong though... if J and I start talking again after I see him on his birthday this coming Monday I could get all twisted again. I definitely want to make a post, probably my next one, about how I want to approach seeing him on his birthday and how I want to approach any type of communication with him thereafter. So until that post!

Smell, The Strongest Sense Tied To Memory...

I was just putting all of J's birthday presents in his bag, just so they would be in one place. I realized I could throw in there his mousse that he bought for my apartment so when he came over to spend the night he would have some here. I put it in the bag and paused for a moment, I then picked it up and opened it and sniffed the scent... it smelled just like him. My whole body felt him at that moment and I suddenly felt his hugs, his kisses, I saw his face, his smile, his eyes, I heard his voice... a million things like that flashed through me. At that very moment I was tentative about putting it back in the bag, I thought to myself "I could keep this, smell it from time to time..." then I stopped that train of thought and said to myself "what the fuck are you doing, put it in the god damn bag." I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I went into my bathroom and got an old vitamin bottle, washed it out and sprayed some mousse in there just so that I could still smell it... lol. God, I hate this. I miss him so much. I just wanna wake up from this nightmare. I want him to miss me as much as I miss him. Oh god, here I go again. I feel so empty again. Dammit why do I have to miss him so much! I hate emotions... I wish I could just turn them off. Bleh, I have to compose myself now and get back to doing my homework for class tonight. More thoughts later...

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Out Of Sight Out Of Mind....

In the past, when I have parted ways with someone and it has been painful for me I simply just removed them from my life completely to kinda get them totally off of my mind, no reminders. With Joe this is more complicated and I can't exactly do that. I usually remove people from my AIM so I can't see them online, MySpace, and anything that I go on regularly where I can see them. I also put stuff they gave me away, out of sight. Well since J wants to remain friends and since I don't want to completely lose him in my life, I have to start finding more ways to distance myself until that point to make the healing process easier and less obsessive for me. So since I don't want to delete him from my AIM I simply shifted things around and shrunk my AIM buddy list window so that I can't see him online even if he is, this way when I glance at my AIM I won't see his name. As for MySpace well... I'm not going to move him, I'm just going to have to deal with seeing his account on my Top Friends, besides it's AIM that drives me insane the most. I am going to go through my room tonight and put things that remind me of him in a box or somewhere I never go, so this way I can be less reminded of him. I'm just going to do little things like that for right now.

I am still planning on going to his place this Monday, which is his birthday so I can JUST give him his presents, in and out, that's it. It'll be sometime after I get out of class which will be close to 4:45pm. More on my thoughts on this coming Monday soon... for now, get him as outta sight and outta mind as possible.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

He Called...

J just called me randomly while on his mid-morning drive to school. I'm confused because I thought we agreed to be out of contact at least for a week and he calls me up acting all buddy buddy like normal. At first I was acting a little down, which I was but then thought to myself "pep it up Daniel don't bring that to this conversation" so I just pulled from within and acted like my usual jovial self. I didn't ask why he called or mention our agreement. Maybe I shouldn't have answered? I dunno, I don't want to cause any more issues and I mean if I really didn't want to answer and really wanted to be completely out of touch I wouldn't answer anyway. It felt nice to talk to him casually but I am nervous to why that is. I dunno... I'm not going to call him. He can contact me, I am going to stick to my word and not contact him until his birthday. Who knows... I may change my mind but I really just wanna keep that promise to myself so that I have that distance because I think it may help. Anyway... weird.

Friendship...

The last time J and I talked was this past Sunday. That was the night we talked about me finding out he was trying to hang out with someone the same day we broke up. I told him that the thing that makes this so hard for me is that he told me that he really likes me, thinks I am an amazing guy, and that sometimes I thinks he loves me. He told me that once he got all of his bachelor crap out of his system that he would see no problem asking me out again. Sadly I hold onto that thought. He got upset and said "why would you put your life on hold for me" to which I explained that I would never put my life on hold, that's insane. I simply have more important priorities in my life that I should divert my time and energy to (friends and most importantly school) and that I am not really interested in dating anyone else so holding onto the thought of his hopefully eventual proposition is ok for me to wait for. He said to me "why would you even want to date me after all of this crap?" and I said... "I wouldn't automatically date you, I'd have to feel comfortable with your attitude and would have to have seen a change in you, a noticeable, believable and honest one." I told him that he is worth it. I have always seen so much in him. He is so attractive to me, the epitome of what I look for physically, down to a T and I know emotionally he and I can connect very well. He has a lot of growing up to do emotionally but I have no problem being by his side letting him grow. I'd be willing to wait for that because I see the amazing person that he is. His walls just block a lot of who he is deep down inside. He just doesn't understand how I can look at him that way. He puts himself in my shoes and says that he could never be me.

Well anyway... in our last conversation I told him that I wanted to remain friends like he requested as well. I told him in prior conversations that I wasn't sure if I could handle being friends because I know where that road can eventually lead... to destruction completely. If he started to date people, I would be upset and I wouldn't really be a true friend because friends are supportive to one another. Our friendship would have painfully limited boundaries and that's not what he needs in his life. He needs good quality full encompassing friendships which he self admittingly lacks. I would love to provide that for him but because of our complicated history and my feelings, feel that it would be difficult, especially for me. Our friendship would eat away at me. But I don't want to lose him in my life so I told him I am going to take some time alone to search deep down inside and figure out how to be his friend in the fullest way and that I would get back to him when I was able to talk to him as a friend and not an ex-boyfriend. So he said that he needed to take some time alone as well. I told him that I would not contact him (or vice versa) until his birthday which is now about 6 days away. I told him that on that day I simply want to come by his house and give him his present that I got him a couple of weeks ago, a quick in and out. I said that maybe by his birthday we could start talking again but that I wasn't sure, we would have to see how it felt. He agreed and our conversation ended.

The next morning I had a thought... I had to contact him to ask. So instead of calling him I sent him a MySpace message. We had planned weeks ago to go to Universal Studios this upcoming Friday. I suggested that if he still had the day off if he was interested in still going with me. I said that I wasn't sure how appropriate that would be but my thought behind it was that we have this tension between us and that a day of purely friendly fun at a theme park might be a great way to shake the tension and just have fun together, just to start our friendship off on a good note. He read the message but didn't reply back... which I admit bothers me a lot, I just want an answer. I don't think I'm going to contact him again about it. If he doesn't get back to me then I won't bother him, I'll just wait for his Birthday, give him his present and go on my way. I have no idea how I will feel by that time but oh well, that's the plan for now.

Driving The Crazy Bus...

I've always considered myself an emotionally strong person. I am starting to doubt that right now, lol. This break up with J has seemingly driven me a little insane. I've done things that are more or less not me. I dunno. For example after we broke up I stalked his online profile sites. The day after we broke up he opened an Adam4Adam account. Adam4Adam is this disgusting site where gay guys simply go to find hook ups... the DAY AFTER man. That upset me and by god I expressed it when I know I shouldn't have... I emailed his account there and bitches at him saying that he didn't really care about me if the day after we break up he's already putting himself back on the market. Sure it makes me feel like he is in a hurry, but I guess he did say to me that this is what he wanted to do, I guess I didn't think he would do it so soon. Kinda hurts. My roommate made a good point about this action... perhaps he is trying to fill that void he created cause it hurts and he thinks another person, hookup or otherwise will help make him feel not so empty or upset. It sure is in the realm of possibility but for some reason I doubt that. Without getting into too much detail (because it's a long winded story)... we broke up around 8am Thursday Morning, and I found out a couple of days ago that he started talking to this guy later that same Thursday (during early night time) and was looking for "friendship for start and seeing where that goes..." and to top that he had asked twice to hang out that night with this guy. The same night him and I break up he's trying to hang out and "get to know" someone else? You have no idea how that feels. It makes me feel like he really doesn't care about me. It just makes me confused, his actions speak a different language than his words, at least to my perception.

I even went out to our favorite bar that we used to go to occasionally. I went to get a drink (since it was $1 drink night) and also dance and get some of this negative energy burned off, but I'd lie if I didn't say that I thought he might be there, but what would have been the point of that anyway? So I grabbed a drink or two and waited around to see if the dance floor would get any more exciting (it was empty) and got bored and decided to go home and go to sleep. But my craziness didn't stop there. As I was driving out of the parking garage I realized that I was only 5 minutes away from his house and knowing he wasn't at work he had to be home... I just wanted to make sure, again for what reason? What difference would that had made? So I actually did drive by his house and he definitely was not home. My mind went wild: Where is he? Hookup? Date? Getting Groceries? It all didn't matter and I just kept thinking to myself, man I can't believe I just did that. And then last night... man I was crazy again. I got home and saw that he was on AIM and he didn't put his away message up for almost 6 hours. Knowing J very well he always puts his away message up if he is doing something. I knew that he had woken up at 4:30am to go to work and was going to be exhausted that day. He usually gets tired around10:30pm, especially when he gets up that early. Well he stayed up until 12:30am. All I could think about was he is either A) chatting with someone on AIM or B) is chatting with someone on the phone and is ignoring AIM at the moment... and by "someone" I mean getting to know a new guy... casual conversation, laughing, flirting etc. Stuff like when you are interested in getting to know a person. Just reminds me of our first week talking. I would keep him on the phone for hours on end and we would just talk and laugh and it was so nice. He would get really sleepy around 10:30 and I'd always say to him in a sarcastic tone "Aww is the little baby tired? Is it past the baby's bed time?" lol... I guess it just makes me sad to know he may be sharing that with someone else.

I know, I know, I'm obsessing! I need to stop, this is unhealthy for the moving on process. I have stopped looking at his online accounts (I promised him I would) but I can't help but see him on AIM or MySpace because he's on my friends list for both, for god sakes every time I log into MySpace I still see him on my top friends. Ay yi yi. I hate that he has this power over me. I wish I had some power over him, and I think that's half of my problem. Just like Melanie told me... I'm upset he has the power to reject me and make me still want him so badly. God emotions suck!

Monday, September 17, 2007

A Great Friends Thoughts...

Since this site is not only about helping me heal but also about sharing other peoples stories as well I would love to receive commentary that you think would fit well on this site, whether it be inspiration for those going through tough times or your sharing your stories. If you see something in one of my postings that you can relate to or feeling that you have a strong sense of opinion about... I will gladly take your commentary (if it's almost structured like it's very own blog entry) and post it on the main page.

Anyway... that being said I recently was contacted bu my friend Melanie. She noticed that my MySpace said single and wanted to know if I was ok. All I told her was that J and I had broken up because he suddenly didn't want to be in a relationship and that it caught me off guard and was really miserable. With that MINOR basic knowledge this was the great words of wisdom she sent my way...

----------------------------------------------
Oh pooky, I am so sorry to hear that. And of course you are going to be thrown off guard but you cannot let this throw you off track.

I don't know the story so it's a bit hard to give advice but all I can say is that I think that you were doing J the favor of being with him. He just seemed too young mentally and emotionally and hadn't "found himself" yet.

You gave it your best shot and I guess it just wasn't meant to be. You are both at such different places in life right now. Sometimes thats the hardest type of relationship.

It's hard to lose the comfort we have in another- especially in your position where life is so stressful right now that it was nice to just have someone there waiting to take your mind off of school and all the hard decisions and work every once in a while.

I am sure everyone is shoving the "look at the bright side" stuff in your face... but just take all these feelings and frustrations and turn it into strength and determination. You are on your way to becoming very successful and living a interesting and full life. When you become the best person you can be, you find the best person for you.
----------------------------------------------


I replied back to her the following message:


----------------------------------------------
You are right it is so hard right now being in school and having all of that stress and now not having the one thing I looked forward to each and every week to just get my mind off things. Now I am stuck being bored, alone, and now having time to actually feel more of the school stress and now emotional stress too.

I have been acting crazy lately... like the the obsessive crazy ex boyfriend... I'm just so... I dunno, can't even describe it. I'm so lost right now and all I want is a hug, kiss, cuddle and comfort sex from someone I really care about and that person I want that the most with is the source of my pain. I hate it.

I know he needs to grow up, that was his reason for breaking up with me... but he has made things complicated because he told me he really likes me, sometimes believes he loves me, and that after he gets "his bachelorhood" out of his system that he would have no problem asking me out again, if I would take him back. That statement and prospect comes attached with so many mixed feelings... happy, sad, angry, disgusted, insulted, hopeful, the list could go on.

We are going to work on being friends because we both want to be in each others lives... Mike D and I had a great friendship afterwards but that started to crumble once we both started dating other people... that could easily happen in this situation too, especially since I have such strong feelings for him and since he said "one day..." so I'm stupidly holding onto that (while not putting my life on hold though)... I dunno. I'm a huge mixed bag of emotions... This is pure torture. It's so ironic because now I know how Mike D felt when I broke up with him... I am completely Mike D right now and J is completely Me in EVERY WAY... and being me and I probably know what Joe is thinking and feeling and that subsequently hurts me just knowing that...
----------------------------------------------


I bolded those lines I wrote because they are important to the overall post-breakup events that J and I have been going through, that will later come up in postings... So anyway... Melanie again replies with an amazing response which once again brought me to tears.


----------------------------------------------
Oh man, it's so hard when someone gives you the "someday maybe..." It's hard because they want to believe it and you want to believe it and yet it holds each person to a hope that deep down they know is empty.

My grandpa always said about a failing relationship "cut it clean, cut it quick" though I never quite found a way to do that and thus tortured myself until it was really done- meaning one of us just moved on to someone else and the other was forced to move on too.

For now, just do what you can handle. If having the security of "well, someday maybe..." helps you to get through these days that are particularly hard than it's ok to hold on to that for now. As you get stronger you probably start to let that go and realize that a lot of the hurt stemmed from being rejected by someone which definitely shakes your sense of self worth.

Of course on one hand you understand that J is making the right choice for himself and for you- if he can't invest or isn't ready than it best to get out now but on the other hand you just want him to love you so much that it doesn't matter that he hasn't been through his "bachelor phase yet", and then on the third hand (ha, yes a third one) you just want to bitch slap him for making you feel like he has the power to hurt you and leave you wanting him... the bastard....how dare he.

But as you said, you have been on his side before and now the roles are reversed- its a shitty fucking painful- but oh so valuable lesson. What does it teach us...hell i am not sure... maybe to be more compassionate, maybe to be less cruel, or maybe that life is so painful but that you'll get through... i never quite figured it out but i do know that it make you stronger, humbler and kinder if you take it in the right way. If you take it in the wrong way you just end of bitter and resentful and eventually more cruel.

As for acting like a crazy ex. well, we have all done that. Induldge yourself a bit but make a cut off point that you adhere to. Say to yourself: By next week I will no longer myspace stalk or even physically stalk J. And no matter how hard it is stick to it. if you don't you will just end up feeling pathetic and worthless- especially since you have the view point from the other side (what you thought of Mike D).

You are going to go through a crazy time, you need to just get it all out. But figure out the roots of it all ask yourself things like:

Why am I so upset about this?

and then answer them truthfully-

Is it because I truly thought J could be the one or is because I wasn't expecting to be the one who was rejected in this relationship?

Do I really need J or do I just need comfort at this point in my life?

Reduce it all down until you know what this is all about so you can begin to get through it in a healthy manner and become stronger and more rational for the next time around.

In a way this can be a great opportunity for you to start planning your future- where will you go to school now? And realize that you were planning to move away for school anyway and it was likely that J was not goign to follow or that you wouldn't want him to etc.

For comfort turn to your close friends and NOT your ex's... they might take advantage of your vulnerability right now.
----------------------------------------------

Melanie is a great friend and I felt that the discussion we had between us was very worthy to put up here. Thank you Melanie, I love you dearly and treasure your words. You are a great friend!

To My Ex's Defense...

I have to defend my ex here for a moment. I need to express his feelings on the matter because it's important for readers to know his side as well. I know this will be "his side" from my mouth but I am a fair person and have enough respect for him to be honest and truthful, not bending his side to my advantage, I will tell it how it is... or at least how he has lead me to believe it is.

J is a good guy at heart. He doesn't want to hurt people. He hates drama, in fact he hates any kind of negative feeling... as we all do, but he more than others. He tends to ride on the highs and run from the lows. He just doesn't handle lows well at all, to any degree. I even told him that he goes do that and he agreed. Well without divulging too much information about his life I have to just jump to the point... why he broke up with me. See, J, has never been much of a commitment guy. He like the idea of being loved and cared for put it's hard for him to express those feelings back while also having to consider other people feelings, albeit positive or negative. He doesn't do well sometimes with dealing with that kind of stuff, simply because he just doesn't have the experience doing so. He lacks a lot of interpersonal skills simply because of his experiences with friends, ex's, and life. You can't blame the guy for that. Like I said he has a good heart and good intentions but he doesn't tend to think much beyond his own wants and needs while at the same time considering others want and needs in relation to how his will consequently affect them. It takes a long time for some people to learn how to form that method of thinking, I know I did. So overall J tends to make some major decisions without truly thinking about the consequences or the importance of them in his life. He jumped into a relationship with me without getting to know me first, and I too made that mistake as well. After all we went through he then based his decision to re-date me out of pure emotion and not thought out logic. He felt alone and sad, like he as lost. He didn't want to lose that feeling I gave him, the feeling of comfort and love. I can't blame him for that.

Well he tried... he gave another effort but that's all it was, an effort. He didn't commit to it, he just tried to. He did what he "thought" he should do or rather what I wanted him to do rather than totally 100% be himself which is what I wanted. He got unnecessarily burnt out on his attempt to hold up his end and ended up hating the fact that he was in a relationship. He started to feel tied down and closed off. He grew distant. His mind started to wander and he began to have feelings of the past where he was interested in moving from guy to guy because it was exciting and not so "real." His reason for breaking up with me was very valid and honest. If he didn't think he wanted a relationship and think that he could keep it going without growing more and more distant than why put me through that? I completely agree with that fact. I believe he needs to go be alone and grow up, straighten out his thoughts, feelings and such so that he can be more comfortable with life right now and hopefully figure out what is right for him. It just sucks royally that I get fucked over again because of his tentative feelings.

So there is my defense of Mr. J... He has a good heart, a bit confused and immature, but has enough maturity to make tough decisions and admit to himself when he has made a bad choice, and for that I commend him greatly.

Welcome To The Break-Up Chronicles!


Hey guys! My name is Daniel and I want to welcome you to my blog entitled "Break-Up Chronicles"... This idea came to me not 5 minutes before I created this account. See I recently was in a relationship (and by recently I mean 4 days ago) and it ended out of nowhere when my boyfriend (we will call him "J") broke up with me. I have been pretty torn up about it, as to be expected, and I need some place to just write my thoughts... and even share them. Anyway... I guess I should set up a little history lesson about my ex-boyfriend and I, so here we go!

J and I met the week before this prior spring semester ended which was in April. We met on that very unknown website "MySpace" and soon after meeting started talking on the phone. Our conversations would last for hours on end, it was great. We finally started hanging out and my first thought was damn this boy is hott! He was very much my type... nice facial hair, solid build, nice ass, great lips, deep eyes, sexy voice, and even some piercings to make things a little more spicy. Well we got to know each other, not significantly and soon enough we jumped into a "committed relationship" our first big mistake... being eager. Well to shorten this up, we dated from May 1st to July 31st and it was a rocky road throughout. See he had never been in a relationship before, well not a real solid one anyway. He had just kinda gotten out of the typical gay male "slut" phase. He had an ex who he liked about 8 months prior to our relationship but that ended badly and he was torn up about it. Anyway... so his inexperience with close relationships (including friendships) has kinda turned him into a selfish, stubborn, and closed off individual. Now that's definitely NOT all that there is to him, but those are three of his primary traits. So we ran into plenty of problems about compromise, consideration, thoughtfulness and the likes. Things kept going up and down all of the time and almost like clockwork around the end of every month he'd tell me "I'm not sure if I really want a relationship" but then would keep things going between us. Finally in the last week of July he broke up with me because he didn't want to keep hurting me and he felt he actually didn't want a relationship. No harm, no foul.

After our breakup I was initially hurt but at the same time kind of relieved because I hated how we were and I didn't have the strength to let him go myself. I convinced myself the night we broke up that it's ok, it's his loss not mine and that I deserve better. I became so confident in that decision that I woke up the next morning and felt like a big weight had been lifted off of my shoulders... I didn't realize until then how heavy our relationship was weighing on me. Well that same morning he called me and was really sad and was talking about how he's just been constantly thinking that maybe he made a mistake. I told him he really needed to think about that and that I needed to do some thinking as well. After he got off work that day I came over to his house to talk to him about everything. He was so upset, he left lost and alone like he was never going to see me again. I promised in confidence I would be his friend. He couldn't even look me in the eyes without crying. It was a truly sad yet amazing moment. I felt his pain deeply but I was amazed and proud of him for letting his emotion out because he bottles things up inside. When we parted ways I assured him we would still be friends and that he would never lose me, and that he needed time to get his life together and figure out what he really wanted or more importantly needed. The next day we talked online and he told me that he couldn't "just" be friends with me, that he had a change of heart. He told me that it had to be "all or nothing." It was a horrible ultimatum that made me sick to my stomach. On one hand I could lose him forever, which I didn't want... and on the other hand I could try again but potentially get even more hurt. After talking with him and asking him a million times if he was really willing to put in the work and truly go hand in hand with me in another relationship he told me in confidence that yes he would. So I bit the bullet and went against my gut instinct and we were back together again.

We dated again from August 1st to September 13th. This time around things were very different. He told me he felt pressured and rushed in our previous relationship... that it was too much to take on, so I decided to tone myself down and give him as much space in the relationship as possible... reduced nit picking and anything antagonistic. If I could bite my tounge so that he could ease into the relationship thing better then by all means I was willing to make that compromise for him. One of my complaints in our past was that he didn't express his desire for me enough, I felt unimportant... I told him he needed to work on that but not to force it or burn himself out on trying. Well strangely enough he suddenly became the most clingy boyfriend I have had... always saying he missed me, calling me all the time, being overly affectionate. It was weird because I felt that this wasn't really him and it made me a bit worried but I rolled with it anyway. About a month later he asked me "have you noticed a difference?" and I said "yes I have but I hope that you are not forcing this or trying to hard because that's not what I want, we know where that leads for you" and he assured me that, that was not the case. He then asked if I "was happy" and I replied "yes." I hypothesized that he was asking me those two things just to make sure I was satisfied and that soon after he would stop what he was doing, thinking it would be all good... I'm happy right? Well I was right... suddenly he became more distant and rarely expressed desire to hang out, it was like a total 180. I didn't question it, I just kept rolling with it. Well one day not too long ago we were both in shitty moods and our moods clashed and we had our first bad day together. We talked it out the next day and things seemed ok. Then about a week later I had a day off from school and had asked him that if he felt in the mood to be around people if he would let me know so we could spend time with me, and he agreed. Well later that next day he called me up from the gas station and told me he was getting gas and picking up liquor because he was going to go out and get drunk with his friend. There was no acknowledgment of us hanging out or consideration about that, I was hurt and insulted. I felt second place. We ended up fighting about it and the next morning he decided that he didn't want to deal with a relationship, that commitment wasn't for him at this point in his life. He told me he was getting the urge to go out, like he did in his slut phase, and be adventurous with other guys. I was extremely hurt and surprised by all of this. I was simply left out in the cold.

So now here I am, 4 days later and miserable still. There is much that has happened in the past 4 days but that will come later. For now you have the pretty brief generic history and prelude to this blog. Stay tuned because I will be talking about more about my thoughts and experiences as I go through this healing transitional process.