It's quite obvious that I have not been myself since J and I broke up. I have been so lost, alone, broken, confused, aloof. Having the rug slipped out from under you suddenly kinda does that. I have received a lot of varying advice from my wonderful friends. I am so fortunate to have them in my life, they are the best and most consistent things in my life and always will be. Significant others come and go, and yes so do friends but the ones I keep around me now are friends I will have forever, I can't imagine my life without them. Anyway... getting off track. Some friends have told me to focus on school and my other responsibilities. I tried that and I have been so distracted by all of this emotional pain that it makes focusing my energy very difficult. Another suggestion was a hobby. I am actually working on that, my whole gym / nutrition venture. But that will take a lot of planning before I can go ahead with it, so for now it's not helpful. Another friend suggested I get "back up on the horse" meaning go out and meet new guys. My initial thoughts about that is, no that won't help. I don't want anyone else but J. I was so physically attracted to him it was insane, so magnetic and captivating because he was everything I could have ever wanted in that regard. Emotionally he was not close enough to my type. He is so far behind in his maturity, view on life, and the way he goes about things that most of the time I didn't feel emotionally stimulated. But I stayed with him because I believed in him. He did make me happy, don't get me wrong. I had a very special connection with him. I've seen the amazing person he is and we have so much in common, but in the end the things we have in common were so trivial. The main problem between him and I was that (as Melanie put it) we are at very different places in our lives and that makes for the hardest relationship sometimes. I was willing to take a back seat and let him catch up, because he is worth it, but I realize now that what if he never caught up? Then what? I'm a very logical person and I know very well that this breakup was necessary. It's just the loneliness, disappointment and especially the rejection that makes this so tough.
So... someone said, go out and meet new guys. I decided to give it a shot. So I scoured MySpace and Gay.com, even the local bars with friends. I ended up sending out friendly messages to people I thought might be interesting. The tough part for me was everyone I looked at, I thought to myself "that isn't J" and I'd miss him. I almost felt like I was cheating on him, it's weird. Well, some people replied and I have chatted with a few people on AIM, some even on the phone and some of those in person. Every time, no matter how I'm talking to them I feel awkward. I don't feel right, like I am doing something bad. My instincts tell me this is not what I need to be doing, and my heart tells me that as well. The thought of a relationship or getting involved with anyone right now makes me feel claustrophobic and stressed. I have opened Pandora's box right now. I've made a connection with someone who really likes me. He doesn't know that two weeks ago I broke up with J. We have great fun conversation, but it just doesn't feel right. He likes me and I need to be straight up with him. He is coming over to my apartment tomorrow and I need to tell him what is going on, I have to be 100% honest because this is going to end up possibly getting emotionally hurtful to myself and more importantly someone else. I have become J now and do not know what I want and I refuse to make the same mistake he made with me twice. I will not play with someones emotions. I need to put my thoughts and feelings on the table and be open and honest like I always am.
This whole go out and date thing just isn't feeling comfortable. I have too much on my mind. I'm still a little hung up on J, I have school and my future with school to focus on, and I have to get more stable in general before I can even think of adding the responsibility of someone else's emotions to my plate. It's always something right? Life...
So... someone said, go out and meet new guys. I decided to give it a shot. So I scoured MySpace and Gay.com, even the local bars with friends. I ended up sending out friendly messages to people I thought might be interesting. The tough part for me was everyone I looked at, I thought to myself "that isn't J" and I'd miss him. I almost felt like I was cheating on him, it's weird. Well, some people replied and I have chatted with a few people on AIM, some even on the phone and some of those in person. Every time, no matter how I'm talking to them I feel awkward. I don't feel right, like I am doing something bad. My instincts tell me this is not what I need to be doing, and my heart tells me that as well. The thought of a relationship or getting involved with anyone right now makes me feel claustrophobic and stressed. I have opened Pandora's box right now. I've made a connection with someone who really likes me. He doesn't know that two weeks ago I broke up with J. We have great fun conversation, but it just doesn't feel right. He likes me and I need to be straight up with him. He is coming over to my apartment tomorrow and I need to tell him what is going on, I have to be 100% honest because this is going to end up possibly getting emotionally hurtful to myself and more importantly someone else. I have become J now and do not know what I want and I refuse to make the same mistake he made with me twice. I will not play with someones emotions. I need to put my thoughts and feelings on the table and be open and honest like I always am.
This whole go out and date thing just isn't feeling comfortable. I have too much on my mind. I'm still a little hung up on J, I have school and my future with school to focus on, and I have to get more stable in general before I can even think of adding the responsibility of someone else's emotions to my plate. It's always something right? Life...
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