Trying Out Some Advice...

It's quite obvious that I have not been myself since J and I broke up. I have been so lost, alone, broken, confused, aloof. Having the rug slipped out from under you suddenly kinda does that. I have received a lot of varying advice from my wonderful friends. I am so fortunate to have them in my life, they are the best and most consistent things in my life and always will be. Significant others come and go, and yes so do friends but the ones I keep around me now are friends I will have forever, I can't imagine my life without them. Anyway... getting off track. Some friends have told me to focus on school and my other responsibilities. I tried that and I have been so distracted by all of this emotional pain that it makes focusing my energy very difficult. Another suggestion was a hobby. I am actually working on that, my whole gym / nutrition venture. But that will take a lot of planning before I can go ahead with it, so for now it's not helpful. Another friend suggested I get "back up on the horse" meaning go out and meet new guys. My initial thoughts about that is, no that won't help. I don't want anyone else but J. I was so physically attracted to him it was insane, so magnetic and captivating because he was everything I could have ever wanted in that regard. Emotionally he was not close enough to my type. He is so far behind in his maturity, view on life, and the way he goes about things that most of the time I didn't feel emotionally stimulated. But I stayed with him because I believed in him. He did make me happy, don't get me wrong. I had a very special connection with him. I've seen the amazing person he is and we have so much in common, but in the end the things we have in common were so trivial. The main problem between him and I was that (as Melanie put it) we are at very different places in our lives and that makes for the hardest relationship sometimes. I was willing to take a back seat and let him catch up, because he is worth it, but I realize now that what if he never caught up? Then what? I'm a very logical person and I know very well that this breakup was necessary. It's just the loneliness, disappointment and especially the rejection that makes this so tough.

So... someone said, go out and meet new guys. I decided to give it a shot. So I scoured MySpace and Gay.com, even the local bars with friends. I ended up sending out friendly messages to people I thought might be interesting. The tough part for me was everyone I looked at, I thought to myself "that isn't J" and I'd miss him. I almost felt like I was cheating on him, it's weird. Well, some people replied and I have chatted with a few people on AIM, some even on the phone and some of those in person. Every time, no matter how I'm talking to them I feel awkward. I don't feel right, like I am doing something bad. My instincts tell me this is not what I need to be doing, and my heart tells me that as well. The thought of a relationship or getting involved with anyone right now makes me feel claustrophobic and stressed. I have opened Pandora's box right now. I've made a connection with someone who really likes me. He doesn't know that two weeks ago I broke up with J. We have great fun conversation, but it just doesn't feel right. He likes me and I need to be straight up with him. He is coming over to my apartment tomorrow and I need to tell him what is going on, I have to be 100% honest because this is going to end up possibly getting emotionally hurtful to myself and more importantly someone else. I have become J now and do not know what I want and I refuse to make the same mistake he made with me twice. I will not play with someones emotions. I need to put my thoughts and feelings on the table and be open and honest like I always am.

This whole go out and date thing just isn't feeling comfortable. I have too much on my mind. I'm still a little hung up on J, I have school and my future with school to focus on, and I have to get more stable in general before I can even think of adding the responsibility of someone else's emotions to my plate. It's always something right? Life...

Friendship Already Looking Bleak...

I'm truly getting the typical J friend treatment as of right now. All of his friends IM him, message him on MySpace, call him... he never gets back to you. Only when it's convenient for him. When his friends stop trying to call him, or communicate in other ways he says "they must not care if they aren't trying to get in touch with me to see how I am." It's funny being on the friend side of things... Now I have a new perspective on his treatment of them. I'm getting the impression he is mostly at fault for the failings of his interpersonal relationships. I mean I knew that before but now it's becoming even more so clear. Oh well... I am doing my part to keeping the very innocently friendly lines of communication open. Eventually I will stop, and just drift away like the rest of his friends and if that ends up happening after a month or so of not talking (if it actually comes to that) I will send him an e-mail or letter describing my opinion on the matter and that will be that, case closed. I may be jumping the gun here right now... it's only been one day since we started talking again, and he has a lot going on with his friend moving in, so he may be busy... but I know J very well and this behavior regardless of what is going on in his life is far too common. Oh well. It's actually helping me move on from him... his blatant disregard for my efforts for friendship is so unattractive and as much as I find him physically attractive I am finding him more and more personally unattractive and that's truly what keeps people in each others lives. His looks will only get him so far. I am going to stand firm with what I told him... "I will put as much effort into our friendship as you are going to." Things are looking pretty bleak right out the gate.

I Finally Saw Him...

Today was J's Birthday. After class today I called him and drove to his house to drop off his present. When I came into his house he was moving stuff into one of the back bedrooms... I asked what he was doing and his new friend Kurt who he just started becoming closer friends with MOVED IN! This is a huge and unexpected move, but I honestly think it's a great thing for him. I told him he needed to get closer with his friends, and him and Kurt have been hanging out a lot so I think that this will be great. He won't sit at home alone and bored, he'll have a friend close by. I dunno... I think this is a great move for him. But with all great things comes a some bad to. Here is my prediction... now that he is living with a friend he will have no more need to have me around in his life at all and he will barely communicate with me and when he does it will be brief and one sided. Anyway... seeing him was a little rough and a little interesting as well. I walked in and was acting very confident and peppy. There was still this awkward tension in the air but we both managed to cut it. He opened his presents and was thankful and such. We talked for a little bit... or rather I talked to him, asked him questions about normal stuff... he really didn't have much to ask me about, self-fish uncaring bastard, lol. It sucked because all he was wearing was his gym shorts and he looked so good, but I definitely did not feel the urge to be like "lets date again!" I wanted a hug and if I am being honest I could have done with having one last kiss, but that wouldn't be a good idea. I didn't stay very long. He had shit to do and so did I. He initiated the goodbye hug and he squeezed me really hard and lifted me up and then I lifted him up. Then I kinda screwed up a little bit and before I walked to the door I gave him another big hug and held on for a tad too long, I noticed this mainly because of how he got out of it, a tiny tiny bit forceful. Lol.

Do I miss him? Sure, I always will. Will I get better? Of course. Slowly but surely I will get to where I need to be. I just hope we can be friends. I am leaving that up to him because I already put the offer on the table so he's going to have to take the next step.

Not Better Than Expected...

This weekend I had to make a 3 hour trip to St. Augustine to do some research on the city. I ended up going with one of my classmates, Greg. I not only went with him but he brought his boyfriend Brian. It was really hard being around a happy gay couple all weekend. It reminded me a lot about what I miss about J and I. I thought being away and busy would get my mind off of things but seriously there is still not a second in the day that goes by without J on my mind. My thoughts of him have no even dwindled down yet and it's been 11 days. In one and half hours it will be 12am Monday, Sept. 24th which is his birthday. I am going to post a nice happy birthday message at exactly 12am on his MySpace. Then after class tomorrow I am going to go over to his house and giving him the presents I bought for him. I have to say that time is going by so slowly... I want to see him so badly. We broke up on the 13th and I haven't physically seen him since the 9th. I really just want to give him a big hug. I miss him and I won't deny that. I do respect his decision to not want to be in a relationship and I am not going to go over there and cross any lines or start any discussion about the situation. I just want to see him, hopefully make him smile with my gifts and that's it. That's all I could ask for. I'm really hoping that when I call him tomorrow after class he actually answers and if he does, I hope he still will let me come over. I don't see why not, since he does want me as a friend. So until then... Man the next half a day is going to go by slower than ever.

He Moved Me...

This morning I checked my MySpace, and happened to go to J's and he moved me from #2 on his MySpace to #4. I know that is a STUPID reason in general to get any kind of upset about, but it bothers me none-the-less! I want to call him and find out why... ugh I'm not even going to get into my reasons behind why that actually bothers me. Be rest assured I'm actually NOT going to call or contact him over this. No reason to mention it because it would cause an unnecessary uncomfortable conversation. I guess I'm just put off. Oh well, what can I do? Bleh! It's weird how little things like this erk you, or at least me.

Sanity Creeps Back In...

I feel that I have gained at least a small percentage of my sanity back, even just in the past couple of hours. The mousse incident this morning was rough, and I opened that vitamin bottle and definitely does not smell good anymore, haha. I forgot to mention... if you refer back to my "Friendship..." post it says how I had asked if we could still go to Universal Studios together on Friday (which is tomorrow) and he finally messaged me back today and said this:

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Daniel, I planned that trip to Universal for it to be stress free, and no offense but right now I think we are a source of stress in each other's life... so I don't think it would be for the best...sorry man :( I still got tickets though, so when this thing blows over we can totally go. And in terms of stress, I hurt my damn back yesterday in the gym, so it should be so much fun anyways, you might not WANT to be around me lol.

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This kinda upset me because he considers me stressful... when I have been doing nothing but keep my distance from him. I can definitely understand potentially how he could be stressed by all of this, don't get me wrong, but I dunno... like I said earlier I wish he missed me, but whatever. So after all that I went to class and got my assignment due for next week. The assignment requires me to travel to St. Augustine, which is 4-5 hours away, and do a bunch of research, drawings and other architectural stuff. So this at least gets me away and busy for the weekend and it's almost like a vacation because I have never been there, have always wanted to go, and I heard it's beautiful. So off I go on Saturday! Tomorrow will probably be rough because I know I'll be sitting around doing nothing and thinking about how J is at Universal right now with god knows who. But I can take my free time tomorrow to do laundry, go do some laps in the pool... I'll of course call a few friends see if they are free to relax. I know tomorrow night I am going to see a movie with some friends and then hit a bar later that night with an old ex to catch up, so that'll be fun. I just need to get through the first three quarters of the day, gotta keep busy!

Speaking of doing things to keep me focused... I am going to take on strict weight training and dieting. I am a skinny guy and have always wanted to bulk up and get nice and toned. So I have been doing research about proper muscle building diets and routines and while I'm going to be miserable trying to adjust to it all I am sure I will be happy with the results months down the road and it will help boost my physical confidence and of course pump me some endorphines! I guess I'm also doing it to eventually get to J. I'm definitely not doing it for him, I am doing it for myself but it would be nice to visually rub it in his face the new nice body I will have which I know he wants to obtain. Granted he has a nice body but I know I can define my muscles better than he can because I have much less body fat, so he'll see what he gave up and I'm going to work my ass off to get to my visual goal. It'll be a good thing all around for me to do.

Anyway... I think overall I can project that by the end of next week I should be doing better, much better than I have been. I could be wrong though... if J and I start talking again after I see him on his birthday this coming Monday I could get all twisted again. I definitely want to make a post, probably my next one, about how I want to approach seeing him on his birthday and how I want to approach any type of communication with him thereafter. So until that post!

Smell, The Strongest Sense Tied To Memory...

I was just putting all of J's birthday presents in his bag, just so they would be in one place. I realized I could throw in there his mousse that he bought for my apartment so when he came over to spend the night he would have some here. I put it in the bag and paused for a moment, I then picked it up and opened it and sniffed the scent... it smelled just like him. My whole body felt him at that moment and I suddenly felt his hugs, his kisses, I saw his face, his smile, his eyes, I heard his voice... a million things like that flashed through me. At that very moment I was tentative about putting it back in the bag, I thought to myself "I could keep this, smell it from time to time..." then I stopped that train of thought and said to myself "what the fuck are you doing, put it in the god damn bag." I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I went into my bathroom and got an old vitamin bottle, washed it out and sprayed some mousse in there just so that I could still smell it... lol. God, I hate this. I miss him so much. I just wanna wake up from this nightmare. I want him to miss me as much as I miss him. Oh god, here I go again. I feel so empty again. Dammit why do I have to miss him so much! I hate emotions... I wish I could just turn them off. Bleh, I have to compose myself now and get back to doing my homework for class tonight. More thoughts later...

Out Of Sight Out Of Mind....

In the past, when I have parted ways with someone and it has been painful for me I simply just removed them from my life completely to kinda get them totally off of my mind, no reminders. With Joe this is more complicated and I can't exactly do that. I usually remove people from my AIM so I can't see them online, MySpace, and anything that I go on regularly where I can see them. I also put stuff they gave me away, out of sight. Well since J wants to remain friends and since I don't want to completely lose him in my life, I have to start finding more ways to distance myself until that point to make the healing process easier and less obsessive for me. So since I don't want to delete him from my AIM I simply shifted things around and shrunk my AIM buddy list window so that I can't see him online even if he is, this way when I glance at my AIM I won't see his name. As for MySpace well... I'm not going to move him, I'm just going to have to deal with seeing his account on my Top Friends, besides it's AIM that drives me insane the most. I am going to go through my room tonight and put things that remind me of him in a box or somewhere I never go, so this way I can be less reminded of him. I'm just going to do little things like that for right now.

I am still planning on going to his place this Monday, which is his birthday so I can JUST give him his presents, in and out, that's it. It'll be sometime after I get out of class which will be close to 4:45pm. More on my thoughts on this coming Monday soon... for now, get him as outta sight and outta mind as possible.

He Called...

J just called me randomly while on his mid-morning drive to school. I'm confused because I thought we agreed to be out of contact at least for a week and he calls me up acting all buddy buddy like normal. At first I was acting a little down, which I was but then thought to myself "pep it up Daniel don't bring that to this conversation" so I just pulled from within and acted like my usual jovial self. I didn't ask why he called or mention our agreement. Maybe I shouldn't have answered? I dunno, I don't want to cause any more issues and I mean if I really didn't want to answer and really wanted to be completely out of touch I wouldn't answer anyway. It felt nice to talk to him casually but I am nervous to why that is. I dunno... I'm not going to call him. He can contact me, I am going to stick to my word and not contact him until his birthday. Who knows... I may change my mind but I really just wanna keep that promise to myself so that I have that distance because I think it may help. Anyway... weird.

Friendship...

The last time J and I talked was this past Sunday. That was the night we talked about me finding out he was trying to hang out with someone the same day we broke up. I told him that the thing that makes this so hard for me is that he told me that he really likes me, thinks I am an amazing guy, and that sometimes I thinks he loves me. He told me that once he got all of his bachelor crap out of his system that he would see no problem asking me out again. Sadly I hold onto that thought. He got upset and said "why would you put your life on hold for me" to which I explained that I would never put my life on hold, that's insane. I simply have more important priorities in my life that I should divert my time and energy to (friends and most importantly school) and that I am not really interested in dating anyone else so holding onto the thought of his hopefully eventual proposition is ok for me to wait for. He said to me "why would you even want to date me after all of this crap?" and I said... "I wouldn't automatically date you, I'd have to feel comfortable with your attitude and would have to have seen a change in you, a noticeable, believable and honest one." I told him that he is worth it. I have always seen so much in him. He is so attractive to me, the epitome of what I look for physically, down to a T and I know emotionally he and I can connect very well. He has a lot of growing up to do emotionally but I have no problem being by his side letting him grow. I'd be willing to wait for that because I see the amazing person that he is. His walls just block a lot of who he is deep down inside. He just doesn't understand how I can look at him that way. He puts himself in my shoes and says that he could never be me.

Well anyway... in our last conversation I told him that I wanted to remain friends like he requested as well. I told him in prior conversations that I wasn't sure if I could handle being friends because I know where that road can eventually lead... to destruction completely. If he started to date people, I would be upset and I wouldn't really be a true friend because friends are supportive to one another. Our friendship would have painfully limited boundaries and that's not what he needs in his life. He needs good quality full encompassing friendships which he self admittingly lacks. I would love to provide that for him but because of our complicated history and my feelings, feel that it would be difficult, especially for me. Our friendship would eat away at me. But I don't want to lose him in my life so I told him I am going to take some time alone to search deep down inside and figure out how to be his friend in the fullest way and that I would get back to him when I was able to talk to him as a friend and not an ex-boyfriend. So he said that he needed to take some time alone as well. I told him that I would not contact him (or vice versa) until his birthday which is now about 6 days away. I told him that on that day I simply want to come by his house and give him his present that I got him a couple of weeks ago, a quick in and out. I said that maybe by his birthday we could start talking again but that I wasn't sure, we would have to see how it felt. He agreed and our conversation ended.

The next morning I had a thought... I had to contact him to ask. So instead of calling him I sent him a MySpace message. We had planned weeks ago to go to Universal Studios this upcoming Friday. I suggested that if he still had the day off if he was interested in still going with me. I said that I wasn't sure how appropriate that would be but my thought behind it was that we have this tension between us and that a day of purely friendly fun at a theme park might be a great way to shake the tension and just have fun together, just to start our friendship off on a good note. He read the message but didn't reply back... which I admit bothers me a lot, I just want an answer. I don't think I'm going to contact him again about it. If he doesn't get back to me then I won't bother him, I'll just wait for his Birthday, give him his present and go on my way. I have no idea how I will feel by that time but oh well, that's the plan for now.

Driving The Crazy Bus...

I've always considered myself an emotionally strong person. I am starting to doubt that right now, lol. This break up with J has seemingly driven me a little insane. I've done things that are more or less not me. I dunno. For example after we broke up I stalked his online profile sites. The day after we broke up he opened an Adam4Adam account. Adam4Adam is this disgusting site where gay guys simply go to find hook ups... the DAY AFTER man. That upset me and by god I expressed it when I know I shouldn't have... I emailed his account there and bitches at him saying that he didn't really care about me if the day after we break up he's already putting himself back on the market. Sure it makes me feel like he is in a hurry, but I guess he did say to me that this is what he wanted to do, I guess I didn't think he would do it so soon. Kinda hurts. My roommate made a good point about this action... perhaps he is trying to fill that void he created cause it hurts and he thinks another person, hookup or otherwise will help make him feel not so empty or upset. It sure is in the realm of possibility but for some reason I doubt that. Without getting into too much detail (because it's a long winded story)... we broke up around 8am Thursday Morning, and I found out a couple of days ago that he started talking to this guy later that same Thursday (during early night time) and was looking for "friendship for start and seeing where that goes..." and to top that he had asked twice to hang out that night with this guy. The same night him and I break up he's trying to hang out and "get to know" someone else? You have no idea how that feels. It makes me feel like he really doesn't care about me. It just makes me confused, his actions speak a different language than his words, at least to my perception.

I even went out to our favorite bar that we used to go to occasionally. I went to get a drink (since it was $1 drink night) and also dance and get some of this negative energy burned off, but I'd lie if I didn't say that I thought he might be there, but what would have been the point of that anyway? So I grabbed a drink or two and waited around to see if the dance floor would get any more exciting (it was empty) and got bored and decided to go home and go to sleep. But my craziness didn't stop there. As I was driving out of the parking garage I realized that I was only 5 minutes away from his house and knowing he wasn't at work he had to be home... I just wanted to make sure, again for what reason? What difference would that had made? So I actually did drive by his house and he definitely was not home. My mind went wild: Where is he? Hookup? Date? Getting Groceries? It all didn't matter and I just kept thinking to myself, man I can't believe I just did that. And then last night... man I was crazy again. I got home and saw that he was on AIM and he didn't put his away message up for almost 6 hours. Knowing J very well he always puts his away message up if he is doing something. I knew that he had woken up at 4:30am to go to work and was going to be exhausted that day. He usually gets tired around10:30pm, especially when he gets up that early. Well he stayed up until 12:30am. All I could think about was he is either A) chatting with someone on AIM or B) is chatting with someone on the phone and is ignoring AIM at the moment... and by "someone" I mean getting to know a new guy... casual conversation, laughing, flirting etc. Stuff like when you are interested in getting to know a person. Just reminds me of our first week talking. I would keep him on the phone for hours on end and we would just talk and laugh and it was so nice. He would get really sleepy around 10:30 and I'd always say to him in a sarcastic tone "Aww is the little baby tired? Is it past the baby's bed time?" lol... I guess it just makes me sad to know he may be sharing that with someone else.

I know, I know, I'm obsessing! I need to stop, this is unhealthy for the moving on process. I have stopped looking at his online accounts (I promised him I would) but I can't help but see him on AIM or MySpace because he's on my friends list for both, for god sakes every time I log into MySpace I still see him on my top friends. Ay yi yi. I hate that he has this power over me. I wish I had some power over him, and I think that's half of my problem. Just like Melanie told me... I'm upset he has the power to reject me and make me still want him so badly. God emotions suck!

A Great Friends Thoughts...

Since this site is not only about helping me heal but also about sharing other peoples stories as well I would love to receive commentary that you think would fit well on this site, whether it be inspiration for those going through tough times or your sharing your stories. If you see something in one of my postings that you can relate to or feeling that you have a strong sense of opinion about... I will gladly take your commentary (if it's almost structured like it's very own blog entry) and post it on the main page.

Anyway... that being said I recently was contacted bu my friend Melanie. She noticed that my MySpace said single and wanted to know if I was ok. All I told her was that J and I had broken up because he suddenly didn't want to be in a relationship and that it caught me off guard and was really miserable. With that MINOR basic knowledge this was the great words of wisdom she sent my way...

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Oh pooky, I am so sorry to hear that. And of course you are going to be thrown off guard but you cannot let this throw you off track.

I don't know the story so it's a bit hard to give advice but all I can say is that I think that you were doing J the favor of being with him. He just seemed too young mentally and emotionally and hadn't "found himself" yet.

You gave it your best shot and I guess it just wasn't meant to be. You are both at such different places in life right now. Sometimes thats the hardest type of relationship.

It's hard to lose the comfort we have in another- especially in your position where life is so stressful right now that it was nice to just have someone there waiting to take your mind off of school and all the hard decisions and work every once in a while.

I am sure everyone is shoving the "look at the bright side" stuff in your face... but just take all these feelings and frustrations and turn it into strength and determination. You are on your way to becoming very successful and living a interesting and full life. When you become the best person you can be, you find the best person for you.
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I replied back to her the following message:


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You are right it is so hard right now being in school and having all of that stress and now not having the one thing I looked forward to each and every week to just get my mind off things. Now I am stuck being bored, alone, and now having time to actually feel more of the school stress and now emotional stress too.

I have been acting crazy lately... like the the obsessive crazy ex boyfriend... I'm just so... I dunno, can't even describe it. I'm so lost right now and all I want is a hug, kiss, cuddle and comfort sex from someone I really care about and that person I want that the most with is the source of my pain. I hate it.

I know he needs to grow up, that was his reason for breaking up with me... but he has made things complicated because he told me he really likes me, sometimes believes he loves me, and that after he gets "his bachelorhood" out of his system that he would have no problem asking me out again, if I would take him back. That statement and prospect comes attached with so many mixed feelings... happy, sad, angry, disgusted, insulted, hopeful, the list could go on.

We are going to work on being friends because we both want to be in each others lives... Mike D and I had a great friendship afterwards but that started to crumble once we both started dating other people... that could easily happen in this situation too, especially since I have such strong feelings for him and since he said "one day..." so I'm stupidly holding onto that (while not putting my life on hold though)... I dunno. I'm a huge mixed bag of emotions... This is pure torture. It's so ironic because now I know how Mike D felt when I broke up with him... I am completely Mike D right now and J is completely Me in EVERY WAY... and being me and I probably know what Joe is thinking and feeling and that subsequently hurts me just knowing that...
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I bolded those lines I wrote because they are important to the overall post-breakup events that J and I have been going through, that will later come up in postings... So anyway... Melanie again replies with an amazing response which once again brought me to tears.


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Oh man, it's so hard when someone gives you the "someday maybe..." It's hard because they want to believe it and you want to believe it and yet it holds each person to a hope that deep down they know is empty.

My grandpa always said about a failing relationship "cut it clean, cut it quick" though I never quite found a way to do that and thus tortured myself until it was really done- meaning one of us just moved on to someone else and the other was forced to move on too.

For now, just do what you can handle. If having the security of "well, someday maybe..." helps you to get through these days that are particularly hard than it's ok to hold on to that for now. As you get stronger you probably start to let that go and realize that a lot of the hurt stemmed from being rejected by someone which definitely shakes your sense of self worth.

Of course on one hand you understand that J is making the right choice for himself and for you- if he can't invest or isn't ready than it best to get out now but on the other hand you just want him to love you so much that it doesn't matter that he hasn't been through his "bachelor phase yet", and then on the third hand (ha, yes a third one) you just want to bitch slap him for making you feel like he has the power to hurt you and leave you wanting him... the bastard....how dare he.

But as you said, you have been on his side before and now the roles are reversed- its a shitty fucking painful- but oh so valuable lesson. What does it teach us...hell i am not sure... maybe to be more compassionate, maybe to be less cruel, or maybe that life is so painful but that you'll get through... i never quite figured it out but i do know that it make you stronger, humbler and kinder if you take it in the right way. If you take it in the wrong way you just end of bitter and resentful and eventually more cruel.

As for acting like a crazy ex. well, we have all done that. Induldge yourself a bit but make a cut off point that you adhere to. Say to yourself: By next week I will no longer myspace stalk or even physically stalk J. And no matter how hard it is stick to it. if you don't you will just end up feeling pathetic and worthless- especially since you have the view point from the other side (what you thought of Mike D).

You are going to go through a crazy time, you need to just get it all out. But figure out the roots of it all ask yourself things like:

Why am I so upset about this?

and then answer them truthfully-

Is it because I truly thought J could be the one or is because I wasn't expecting to be the one who was rejected in this relationship?

Do I really need J or do I just need comfort at this point in my life?

Reduce it all down until you know what this is all about so you can begin to get through it in a healthy manner and become stronger and more rational for the next time around.

In a way this can be a great opportunity for you to start planning your future- where will you go to school now? And realize that you were planning to move away for school anyway and it was likely that J was not goign to follow or that you wouldn't want him to etc.

For comfort turn to your close friends and NOT your ex's... they might take advantage of your vulnerability right now.
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Melanie is a great friend and I felt that the discussion we had between us was very worthy to put up here. Thank you Melanie, I love you dearly and treasure your words. You are a great friend!

To My Ex's Defense...

I have to defend my ex here for a moment. I need to express his feelings on the matter because it's important for readers to know his side as well. I know this will be "his side" from my mouth but I am a fair person and have enough respect for him to be honest and truthful, not bending his side to my advantage, I will tell it how it is... or at least how he has lead me to believe it is.

J is a good guy at heart. He doesn't want to hurt people. He hates drama, in fact he hates any kind of negative feeling... as we all do, but he more than others. He tends to ride on the highs and run from the lows. He just doesn't handle lows well at all, to any degree. I even told him that he goes do that and he agreed. Well without divulging too much information about his life I have to just jump to the point... why he broke up with me. See, J, has never been much of a commitment guy. He like the idea of being loved and cared for put it's hard for him to express those feelings back while also having to consider other people feelings, albeit positive or negative. He doesn't do well sometimes with dealing with that kind of stuff, simply because he just doesn't have the experience doing so. He lacks a lot of interpersonal skills simply because of his experiences with friends, ex's, and life. You can't blame the guy for that. Like I said he has a good heart and good intentions but he doesn't tend to think much beyond his own wants and needs while at the same time considering others want and needs in relation to how his will consequently affect them. It takes a long time for some people to learn how to form that method of thinking, I know I did. So overall J tends to make some major decisions without truly thinking about the consequences or the importance of them in his life. He jumped into a relationship with me without getting to know me first, and I too made that mistake as well. After all we went through he then based his decision to re-date me out of pure emotion and not thought out logic. He felt alone and sad, like he as lost. He didn't want to lose that feeling I gave him, the feeling of comfort and love. I can't blame him for that.

Well he tried... he gave another effort but that's all it was, an effort. He didn't commit to it, he just tried to. He did what he "thought" he should do or rather what I wanted him to do rather than totally 100% be himself which is what I wanted. He got unnecessarily burnt out on his attempt to hold up his end and ended up hating the fact that he was in a relationship. He started to feel tied down and closed off. He grew distant. His mind started to wander and he began to have feelings of the past where he was interested in moving from guy to guy because it was exciting and not so "real." His reason for breaking up with me was very valid and honest. If he didn't think he wanted a relationship and think that he could keep it going without growing more and more distant than why put me through that? I completely agree with that fact. I believe he needs to go be alone and grow up, straighten out his thoughts, feelings and such so that he can be more comfortable with life right now and hopefully figure out what is right for him. It just sucks royally that I get fucked over again because of his tentative feelings.

So there is my defense of Mr. J... He has a good heart, a bit confused and immature, but has enough maturity to make tough decisions and admit to himself when he has made a bad choice, and for that I commend him greatly.

Welcome To The Break-Up Chronicles!

Hey guys! My name is Daniel and I want to welcome you to my blog entitled "Break-Up Chronicles"... This idea came to me not 5 minutes before I created this account. See I recently was in a relationship (and by recently I mean 4 days ago) and it ended out of nowhere when my boyfriend (we will call him "J") broke up with me. I have been pretty torn up about it, as to be expected, and I need some place to just write my thoughts... and even share them. Anyway... I guess I should set up a little history lesson about my ex-boyfriend and I, so here we go!

J and I met the week before this prior spring semester ended which was in April. We met on that very unknown website "MySpace" and soon after meeting started talking on the phone. Our conversations would last for hours on end, it was great. We finally started hanging out and my first thought was damn this boy is hott! He was very much my type... nice facial hair, solid build, nice ass, great lips, deep eyes, sexy voice, and even some piercings to make things a little more spicy. Well we got to know each other, not significantly and soon enough we jumped into a "committed relationship" our first big mistake... being eager. Well to shorten this up, we dated from May 1st to July 31st and it was a rocky road throughout. See he had never been in a relationship before, well not a real solid one anyway. He had just kinda gotten out of the typical gay male "slut" phase. He had an ex who he liked about 8 months prior to our relationship but that ended badly and he was torn up about it. Anyway... so his inexperience with close relationships (including friendships) has kinda turned him into a selfish, stubborn, and closed off individual. Now that's definitely NOT all that there is to him, but those are three of his primary traits. So we ran into plenty of problems about compromise, consideration, thoughtfulness and the likes. Things kept going up and down all of the time and almost like clockwork around the end of every month he'd tell me "I'm not sure if I really want a relationship" but then would keep things going between us. Finally in the last week of July he broke up with me because he didn't want to keep hurting me and he felt he actually didn't want a relationship. No harm, no foul.

After our breakup I was initially hurt but at the same time kind of relieved because I hated how we were and I didn't have the strength to let him go myself. I convinced myself the night we broke up that it's ok, it's his loss not mine and that I deserve better. I became so confident in that decision that I woke up the next morning and felt like a big weight had been lifted off of my shoulders... I didn't realize until then how heavy our relationship was weighing on me. Well that same morning he called me and was really sad and was talking about how he's just been constantly thinking that maybe he made a mistake. I told him he really needed to think about that and that I needed to do some thinking as well. After he got off work that day I came over to his house to talk to him about everything. He was so upset, he left lost and alone like he was never going to see me again. I promised in confidence I would be his friend. He couldn't even look me in the eyes without crying. It was a truly sad yet amazing moment. I felt his pain deeply but I was amazed and proud of him for letting his emotion out because he bottles things up inside. When we parted ways I assured him we would still be friends and that he would never lose me, and that he needed time to get his life together and figure out what he really wanted or more importantly needed. The next day we talked online and he told me that he couldn't "just" be friends with me, that he had a change of heart. He told me that it had to be "all or nothing." It was a horrible ultimatum that made me sick to my stomach. On one hand I could lose him forever, which I didn't want... and on the other hand I could try again but potentially get even more hurt. After talking with him and asking him a million times if he was really willing to put in the work and truly go hand in hand with me in another relationship he told me in confidence that yes he would. So I bit the bullet and went against my gut instinct and we were back together again.

We dated again from August 1st to September 13th. This time around things were very different. He told me he felt pressured and rushed in our previous relationship... that it was too much to take on, so I decided to tone myself down and give him as much space in the relationship as possible... reduced nit picking and anything antagonistic. If I could bite my tounge so that he could ease into the relationship thing better then by all means I was willing to make that compromise for him. One of my complaints in our past was that he didn't express his desire for me enough, I felt unimportant... I told him he needed to work on that but not to force it or burn himself out on trying. Well strangely enough he suddenly became the most clingy boyfriend I have had... always saying he missed me, calling me all the time, being overly affectionate. It was weird because I felt that this wasn't really him and it made me a bit worried but I rolled with it anyway. About a month later he asked me "have you noticed a difference?" and I said "yes I have but I hope that you are not forcing this or trying to hard because that's not what I want, we know where that leads for you" and he assured me that, that was not the case. He then asked if I "was happy" and I replied "yes." I hypothesized that he was asking me those two things just to make sure I was satisfied and that soon after he would stop what he was doing, thinking it would be all good... I'm happy right? Well I was right... suddenly he became more distant and rarely expressed desire to hang out, it was like a total 180. I didn't question it, I just kept rolling with it. Well one day not too long ago we were both in shitty moods and our moods clashed and we had our first bad day together. We talked it out the next day and things seemed ok. Then about a week later I had a day off from school and had asked him that if he felt in the mood to be around people if he would let me know so we could spend time with me, and he agreed. Well later that next day he called me up from the gas station and told me he was getting gas and picking up liquor because he was going to go out and get drunk with his friend. There was no acknowledgment of us hanging out or consideration about that, I was hurt and insulted. I felt second place. We ended up fighting about it and the next morning he decided that he didn't want to deal with a relationship, that commitment wasn't for him at this point in his life. He told me he was getting the urge to go out, like he did in his slut phase, and be adventurous with other guys. I was extremely hurt and surprised by all of this. I was simply left out in the cold.

So now here I am, 4 days later and miserable still. There is much that has happened in the past 4 days but that will come later. For now you have the pretty brief generic history and prelude to this blog. Stay tuned because I will be talking about more about my thoughts and experiences as I go through this healing transitional process.