Since this site is not only about helping me heal but also about sharing other peoples stories as well I would love to receive commentary that you think would fit well on this site, whether it be inspiration for those going through tough times or your sharing your stories. If you see something in one of my postings that you can relate to or feeling that you have a strong sense of opinion about... I will gladly take your commentary (if it's almost structured like it's very own blog entry) and post it on the main page.
Anyway... that being said I recently was contacted bu my friend Melanie. She noticed that my MySpace said single and wanted to know if I was ok. All I told her was that J and I had broken up because he suddenly didn't want to be in a relationship and that it caught me off guard and was really miserable. With that MINOR basic knowledge this was the great words of wisdom she sent my way...
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Oh pooky, I am so sorry to hear that. And of course you are going to be thrown off guard but you cannot let this throw you off track.
I don't know the story so it's a bit hard to give advice but all I can say is that I think that you were doing J the favor of being with him. He just seemed too young mentally and emotionally and hadn't "found himself" yet.
You gave it your best shot and I guess it just wasn't meant to be. You are both at such different places in life right now. Sometimes thats the hardest type of relationship.
It's hard to lose the comfort we have in another- especially in your position where life is so stressful right now that it was nice to just have someone there waiting to take your mind off of school and all the hard decisions and work every once in a while.
I am sure everyone is shoving the "look at the bright side" stuff in your face... but just take all these feelings and frustrations and turn it into strength and determination. You are on your way to becoming very successful and living a interesting and full life. When you become the best person you can be, you find the best person for you.
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I replied back to her the following message:
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You are right it is so hard right now being in school and having all of that stress and now not having the one thing I looked forward to each and every week to just get my mind off things. Now I am stuck being bored, alone, and now having time to actually feel more of the school stress and now emotional stress too.
I have been acting crazy lately... like the the obsessive crazy ex boyfriend... I'm just so... I dunno, can't even describe it. I'm so lost right now and all I want is a hug, kiss, cuddle and comfort sex from someone I really care about and that person I want that the most with is the source of my pain. I hate it.
I know he needs to grow up, that was his reason for breaking up with me... but he has made things complicated because he told me he really likes me, sometimes believes he loves me, and that after he gets "his bachelorhood" out of his system that he would have no problem asking me out again, if I would take him back. That statement and prospect comes attached with so many mixed feelings... happy, sad, angry, disgusted, insulted, hopeful, the list could go on.
We are going to work on being friends because we both want to be in each others lives... Mike D and I had a great friendship afterwards but that started to crumble once we both started dating other people... that could easily happen in this situation too, especially since I have such strong feelings for him and since he said "one day..." so I'm stupidly holding onto that (while not putting my life on hold though)... I dunno. I'm a huge mixed bag of emotions... This is pure torture. It's so ironic because now I know how Mike D felt when I broke up with him... I am completely Mike D right now and J is completely Me in EVERY WAY... and being me and I probably know what Joe is thinking and feeling and that subsequently hurts me just knowing that...
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I bolded those lines I wrote because they are important to the overall post-breakup events that J and I have been going through, that will later come up in postings... So anyway... Melanie again replies with an amazing response which once again brought me to tears.
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Oh man, it's so hard when someone gives you the "someday maybe..." It's hard because they want to believe it and you want to believe it and yet it holds each person to a hope that deep down they know is empty.
My grandpa always said about a failing relationship "cut it clean, cut it quick" though I never quite found a way to do that and thus tortured myself until it was really done- meaning one of us just moved on to someone else and the other was forced to move on too.
For now, just do what you can handle. If having the security of "well, someday maybe..." helps you to get through these days that are particularly hard than it's ok to hold on to that for now. As you get stronger you probably start to let that go and realize that a lot of the hurt stemmed from being rejected by someone which definitely shakes your sense of self worth.
Of course on one hand you understand that J is making the right choice for himself and for you- if he can't invest or isn't ready than it best to get out now but on the other hand you just want him to love you so much that it doesn't matter that he hasn't been through his "bachelor phase yet", and then on the third hand (ha, yes a third one) you just want to bitch slap him for making you feel like he has the power to hurt you and leave you wanting him... the bastard....how dare he.
But as you said, you have been on his side before and now the roles are reversed- its a shitty fucking painful- but oh so valuable lesson. What does it teach us...hell i am not sure... maybe to be more compassionate, maybe to be less cruel, or maybe that life is so painful but that you'll get through... i never quite figured it out but i do know that it make you stronger, humbler and kinder if you take it in the right way. If you take it in the wrong way you just end of bitter and resentful and eventually more cruel.
As for acting like a crazy ex. well, we have all done that. Induldge yourself a bit but make a cut off point that you adhere to. Say to yourself: By next week I will no longer myspace stalk or even physically stalk J. And no matter how hard it is stick to it. if you don't you will just end up feeling pathetic and worthless- especially since you have the view point from the other side (what you thought of Mike D).
You are going to go through a crazy time, you need to just get it all out. But figure out the roots of it all ask yourself things like:
Why am I so upset about this?
and then answer them truthfully-
Is it because I truly thought J could be the one or is because I wasn't expecting to be the one who was rejected in this relationship?
Do I really need J or do I just need comfort at this point in my life?
Reduce it all down until you know what this is all about so you can begin to get through it in a healthy manner and become stronger and more rational for the next time around.
In a way this can be a great opportunity for you to start planning your future- where will you go to school now? And realize that you were planning to move away for school anyway and it was likely that J was not goign to follow or that you wouldn't want him to etc.
For comfort turn to your close friends and NOT your ex's... they might take advantage of your vulnerability right now.
----------------------------------------------
Melanie is a great friend and I felt that the discussion we had between us was very worthy to put up here. Thank you Melanie, I love you dearly and treasure your words. You are a great friend!
Anyway... that being said I recently was contacted bu my friend Melanie. She noticed that my MySpace said single and wanted to know if I was ok. All I told her was that J and I had broken up because he suddenly didn't want to be in a relationship and that it caught me off guard and was really miserable. With that MINOR basic knowledge this was the great words of wisdom she sent my way...
----------------------------------------------
Oh pooky, I am so sorry to hear that. And of course you are going to be thrown off guard but you cannot let this throw you off track.
I don't know the story so it's a bit hard to give advice but all I can say is that I think that you were doing J the favor of being with him. He just seemed too young mentally and emotionally and hadn't "found himself" yet.
You gave it your best shot and I guess it just wasn't meant to be. You are both at such different places in life right now. Sometimes thats the hardest type of relationship.
It's hard to lose the comfort we have in another- especially in your position where life is so stressful right now that it was nice to just have someone there waiting to take your mind off of school and all the hard decisions and work every once in a while.
I am sure everyone is shoving the "look at the bright side" stuff in your face... but just take all these feelings and frustrations and turn it into strength and determination. You are on your way to becoming very successful and living a interesting and full life. When you become the best person you can be, you find the best person for you.
----------------------------------------------
I replied back to her the following message:
----------------------------------------------
You are right it is so hard right now being in school and having all of that stress and now not having the one thing I looked forward to each and every week to just get my mind off things. Now I am stuck being bored, alone, and now having time to actually feel more of the school stress and now emotional stress too.
I have been acting crazy lately... like the the obsessive crazy ex boyfriend... I'm just so... I dunno, can't even describe it. I'm so lost right now and all I want is a hug, kiss, cuddle and comfort sex from someone I really care about and that person I want that the most with is the source of my pain. I hate it.
I know he needs to grow up, that was his reason for breaking up with me... but he has made things complicated because he told me he really likes me, sometimes believes he loves me, and that after he gets "his bachelorhood" out of his system that he would have no problem asking me out again, if I would take him back. That statement and prospect comes attached with so many mixed feelings... happy, sad, angry, disgusted, insulted, hopeful, the list could go on.
We are going to work on being friends because we both want to be in each others lives... Mike D and I had a great friendship afterwards but that started to crumble once we both started dating other people... that could easily happen in this situation too, especially since I have such strong feelings for him and since he said "one day..." so I'm stupidly holding onto that (while not putting my life on hold though)... I dunno. I'm a huge mixed bag of emotions... This is pure torture. It's so ironic because now I know how Mike D felt when I broke up with him... I am completely Mike D right now and J is completely Me in EVERY WAY... and being me and I probably know what Joe is thinking and feeling and that subsequently hurts me just knowing that...
----------------------------------------------
I bolded those lines I wrote because they are important to the overall post-breakup events that J and I have been going through, that will later come up in postings... So anyway... Melanie again replies with an amazing response which once again brought me to tears.
----------------------------------------------
Oh man, it's so hard when someone gives you the "someday maybe..." It's hard because they want to believe it and you want to believe it and yet it holds each person to a hope that deep down they know is empty.
My grandpa always said about a failing relationship "cut it clean, cut it quick" though I never quite found a way to do that and thus tortured myself until it was really done- meaning one of us just moved on to someone else and the other was forced to move on too.
For now, just do what you can handle. If having the security of "well, someday maybe..." helps you to get through these days that are particularly hard than it's ok to hold on to that for now. As you get stronger you probably start to let that go and realize that a lot of the hurt stemmed from being rejected by someone which definitely shakes your sense of self worth.
Of course on one hand you understand that J is making the right choice for himself and for you- if he can't invest or isn't ready than it best to get out now but on the other hand you just want him to love you so much that it doesn't matter that he hasn't been through his "bachelor phase yet", and then on the third hand (ha, yes a third one) you just want to bitch slap him for making you feel like he has the power to hurt you and leave you wanting him... the bastard....how dare he.
But as you said, you have been on his side before and now the roles are reversed- its a shitty fucking painful- but oh so valuable lesson. What does it teach us...hell i am not sure... maybe to be more compassionate, maybe to be less cruel, or maybe that life is so painful but that you'll get through... i never quite figured it out but i do know that it make you stronger, humbler and kinder if you take it in the right way. If you take it in the wrong way you just end of bitter and resentful and eventually more cruel.
As for acting like a crazy ex. well, we have all done that. Induldge yourself a bit but make a cut off point that you adhere to. Say to yourself: By next week I will no longer myspace stalk or even physically stalk J. And no matter how hard it is stick to it. if you don't you will just end up feeling pathetic and worthless- especially since you have the view point from the other side (what you thought of Mike D).
You are going to go through a crazy time, you need to just get it all out. But figure out the roots of it all ask yourself things like:
Why am I so upset about this?
and then answer them truthfully-
Is it because I truly thought J could be the one or is because I wasn't expecting to be the one who was rejected in this relationship?
Do I really need J or do I just need comfort at this point in my life?
Reduce it all down until you know what this is all about so you can begin to get through it in a healthy manner and become stronger and more rational for the next time around.
In a way this can be a great opportunity for you to start planning your future- where will you go to school now? And realize that you were planning to move away for school anyway and it was likely that J was not goign to follow or that you wouldn't want him to etc.
For comfort turn to your close friends and NOT your ex's... they might take advantage of your vulnerability right now.
----------------------------------------------
Melanie is a great friend and I felt that the discussion we had between us was very worthy to put up here. Thank you Melanie, I love you dearly and treasure your words. You are a great friend!
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