I've always considered myself an emotionally strong person. I am starting to doubt that right now, lol. This break up with J has seemingly driven me a little insane. I've done things that are more or less not me. I dunno. For example after we broke up I stalked his online profile sites. The day after we broke up he opened an Adam4Adam account. Adam4Adam is this disgusting site where gay guys simply go to find hook ups... the DAY AFTER man. That upset me and by god I expressed it when I know I shouldn't have... I emailed his account there and bitches at him saying that he didn't really care about me if the day after we break up he's already putting himself back on the market. Sure it makes me feel like he is in a hurry, but I guess he did say to me that this is what he wanted to do, I guess I didn't think he would do it so soon. Kinda hurts. My roommate made a good point about this action... perhaps he is trying to fill that void he created cause it hurts and he thinks another person, hookup or otherwise will help make him feel not so empty or upset. It sure is in the realm of possibility but for some reason I doubt that. Without getting into too much detail (because it's a long winded story)... we broke up around 8am Thursday Morning, and I found out a couple of days ago that he started talking to this guy later that same Thursday (during early night time) and was looking for "friendship for start and seeing where that goes..." and to top that he had asked twice to hang out that night with this guy. The same night him and I break up he's trying to hang out and "get to know" someone else? You have no idea how that feels. It makes me feel like he really doesn't care about me. It just makes me confused, his actions speak a different language than his words, at least to my perception.
I even went out to our favorite bar that we used to go to occasionally. I went to get a drink (since it was $1 drink night) and also dance and get some of this negative energy burned off, but I'd lie if I didn't say that I thought he might be there, but what would have been the point of that anyway? So I grabbed a drink or two and waited around to see if the dance floor would get any more exciting (it was empty) and got bored and decided to go home and go to sleep. But my craziness didn't stop there. As I was driving out of the parking garage I realized that I was only 5 minutes away from his house and knowing he wasn't at work he had to be home... I just wanted to make sure, again for what reason? What difference would that had made? So I actually did drive by his house and he definitely was not home. My mind went wild: Where is he? Hookup? Date? Getting Groceries? It all didn't matter and I just kept thinking to myself, man I can't believe I just did that. And then last night... man I was crazy again. I got home and saw that he was on AIM and he didn't put his away message up for almost 6 hours. Knowing J very well he always puts his away message up if he is doing something. I knew that he had woken up at 4:30am to go to work and was going to be exhausted that day. He usually gets tired around10:30pm, especially when he gets up that early. Well he stayed up until 12:30am. All I could think about was he is either A) chatting with someone on AIM or B) is chatting with someone on the phone and is ignoring AIM at the moment... and by "someone" I mean getting to know a new guy... casual conversation, laughing, flirting etc. Stuff like when you are interested in getting to know a person. Just reminds me of our first week talking. I would keep him on the phone for hours on end and we would just talk and laugh and it was so nice. He would get really sleepy around 10:30 and I'd always say to him in a sarcastic tone "Aww is the little baby tired? Is it past the baby's bed time?" lol... I guess it just makes me sad to know he may be sharing that with someone else.
I know, I know, I'm obsessing! I need to stop, this is unhealthy for the moving on process. I have stopped looking at his online accounts (I promised him I would) but I can't help but see him on AIM or MySpace because he's on my friends list for both, for god sakes every time I log into MySpace I still see him on my top friends. Ay yi yi. I hate that he has this power over me. I wish I had some power over him, and I think that's half of my problem. Just like Melanie told me... I'm upset he has the power to reject me and make me still want him so badly. God emotions suck!
I even went out to our favorite bar that we used to go to occasionally. I went to get a drink (since it was $1 drink night) and also dance and get some of this negative energy burned off, but I'd lie if I didn't say that I thought he might be there, but what would have been the point of that anyway? So I grabbed a drink or two and waited around to see if the dance floor would get any more exciting (it was empty) and got bored and decided to go home and go to sleep. But my craziness didn't stop there. As I was driving out of the parking garage I realized that I was only 5 minutes away from his house and knowing he wasn't at work he had to be home... I just wanted to make sure, again for what reason? What difference would that had made? So I actually did drive by his house and he definitely was not home. My mind went wild: Where is he? Hookup? Date? Getting Groceries? It all didn't matter and I just kept thinking to myself, man I can't believe I just did that. And then last night... man I was crazy again. I got home and saw that he was on AIM and he didn't put his away message up for almost 6 hours. Knowing J very well he always puts his away message up if he is doing something. I knew that he had woken up at 4:30am to go to work and was going to be exhausted that day. He usually gets tired around10:30pm, especially when he gets up that early. Well he stayed up until 12:30am. All I could think about was he is either A) chatting with someone on AIM or B) is chatting with someone on the phone and is ignoring AIM at the moment... and by "someone" I mean getting to know a new guy... casual conversation, laughing, flirting etc. Stuff like when you are interested in getting to know a person. Just reminds me of our first week talking. I would keep him on the phone for hours on end and we would just talk and laugh and it was so nice. He would get really sleepy around 10:30 and I'd always say to him in a sarcastic tone "Aww is the little baby tired? Is it past the baby's bed time?" lol... I guess it just makes me sad to know he may be sharing that with someone else.
I know, I know, I'm obsessing! I need to stop, this is unhealthy for the moving on process. I have stopped looking at his online accounts (I promised him I would) but I can't help but see him on AIM or MySpace because he's on my friends list for both, for god sakes every time I log into MySpace I still see him on my top friends. Ay yi yi. I hate that he has this power over me. I wish I had some power over him, and I think that's half of my problem. Just like Melanie told me... I'm upset he has the power to reject me and make me still want him so badly. God emotions suck!
1 comment:
Ok so I thought as I should chime in. I know break-ups are terrible and emotionially dementing. As I have read all your blogs now they remind me of my break up issues with justin. I'm not gonna lie... I still check up on him to make sure he's alive. Because one of these days hes going to take advantage of the wrong guy and he will be murdered. But I feel that you need to try your best to seperate yourself from J. I know its not easy. I myself have almost committed myself twice because of justin.... and thats because I let him make me that way. And we have dragged on this emotional mess for over 4 years and I think I'm finally at the point of not caring. If I'm single and he comes around will I fuck him? Sure I will. Will I believe anything he says or get emotionally involved with him.... NO. Just dont have this craziness drag on for years like I have... This is fucked up but it is true... The best way to start to get over this is too start dating!! Nothing like a better man to get over shitty one. I actually have found a few really great dudes since justin and have actually fallen in love with one...but thats another story. Once you find a more mature, loving, resoponsible dude, you will wonder why you even gave two shits about the crappy ones. There are guys out there that are better, but you have to find them. Love ya Daniel.
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