Hey guys! My name is Daniel and I want to welcome you to my blog entitled "Break-Up Chronicles"... This idea came to me not 5 minutes before I created this account. See I recently was in a relationship (and by recently I mean 4 days ago) and it ended out of nowhere when my boyfriend (we will call him "J") broke up with me. I have been pretty torn up about it, as to be expected, and I need some place to just write my thoughts... and even share them. Anyway... I guess I should set up a little history lesson about my ex-boyfriend and I, so here we go!
J and I met the week before this prior spring semester ended which was in April. We met on that very unknown website "MySpace" and soon after meeting started talking on the phone. Our conversations would last for hours on end, it was great. We finally started hanging out and my first thought was damn this boy is hott! He was very much my type... nice facial hair, solid build, nice ass, great lips, deep eyes, sexy voice, and even some piercings to make things a little more spicy. Well we got to know each other, not significantly and soon enough we jumped into a "committed relationship" our first big mistake... being eager. Well to shorten this up, we dated from May 1st to July 31st and it was a rocky road throughout. See he had never been in a relationship before, well not a real solid one anyway. He had just kinda gotten out of the typical gay male "slut" phase. He had an ex who he liked about 8 months prior to our relationship but that ended badly and he was torn up about it. Anyway... so his inexperience with close relationships (including friendships) has kinda turned him into a selfish, stubborn, and closed off individual. Now that's definitely NOT all that there is to him, but those are three of his primary traits. So we ran into plenty of problems about compromise, consideration, thoughtfulness and the likes. Things kept going up and down all of the time and almost like clockwork around the end of every month he'd tell me "I'm not sure if I really want a relationship" but then would keep things going between us. Finally in the last week of July he broke up with me because he didn't want to keep hurting me and he felt he actually didn't want a relationship. No harm, no foul.
After our breakup I was initially hurt but at the same time kind of relieved because I hated how we were and I didn't have the strength to let him go myself. I convinced myself the night we broke up that it's ok, it's his loss not mine and that I deserve better. I became so confident in that decision that I woke up the next morning and felt like a big weight had been lifted off of my shoulders... I didn't realize until then how heavy our relationship was weighing on me. Well that same morning he called me and was really sad and was talking about how he's just been constantly thinking that maybe he made a mistake. I told him he really needed to think about that and that I needed to do some thinking as well. After he got off work that day I came over to his house to talk to him about everything. He was so upset, he left lost and alone like he was never going to see me again. I promised in confidence I would be his friend. He couldn't even look me in the eyes without crying. It was a truly sad yet amazing moment. I felt his pain deeply but I was amazed and proud of him for letting his emotion out because he bottles things up inside. When we parted ways I assured him we would still be friends and that he would never lose me, and that he needed time to get his life together and figure out what he really wanted or more importantly needed. The next day we talked online and he told me that he couldn't "just" be friends with me, that he had a change of heart. He told me that it had to be "all or nothing." It was a horrible ultimatum that made me sick to my stomach. On one hand I could lose him forever, which I didn't want... and on the other hand I could try again but potentially get even more hurt. After talking with him and asking him a million times if he was really willing to put in the work and truly go hand in hand with me in another relationship he told me in confidence that yes he would. So I bit the bullet and went against my gut instinct and we were back together again.
We dated again from August 1st to September 13th. This time around things were very different. He told me he felt pressured and rushed in our previous relationship... that it was too much to take on, so I decided to tone myself down and give him as much space in the relationship as possible... reduced nit picking and anything antagonistic. If I could bite my tounge so that he could ease into the relationship thing better then by all means I was willing to make that compromise for him. One of my complaints in our past was that he didn't express his desire for me enough, I felt unimportant... I told him he needed to work on that but not to force it or burn himself out on trying. Well strangely enough he suddenly became the most clingy boyfriend I have had... always saying he missed me, calling me all the time, being overly affectionate. It was weird because I felt that this wasn't really him and it made me a bit worried but I rolled with it anyway. About a month later he asked me "have you noticed a difference?" and I said "yes I have but I hope that you are not forcing this or trying to hard because that's not what I want, we know where that leads for you" and he assured me that, that was not the case. He then asked if I "was happy" and I replied "yes." I hypothesized that he was asking me those two things just to make sure I was satisfied and that soon after he would stop what he was doing, thinking it would be all good... I'm happy right? Well I was right... suddenly he became more distant and rarely expressed desire to hang out, it was like a total 180. I didn't question it, I just kept rolling with it. Well one day not too long ago we were both in shitty moods and our moods clashed and we had our first bad day together. We talked it out the next day and things seemed ok. Then about a week later I had a day off from school and had asked him that if he felt in the mood to be around people if he would let me know so we could spend time with me, and he agreed. Well later that next day he called me up from the gas station and told me he was getting gas and picking up liquor because he was going to go out and get drunk with his friend. There was no acknowledgment of us hanging out or consideration about that, I was hurt and insulted. I felt second place. We ended up fighting about it and the next morning he decided that he didn't want to deal with a relationship, that commitment wasn't for him at this point in his life. He told me he was getting the urge to go out, like he did in his slut phase, and be adventurous with other guys. I was extremely hurt and surprised by all of this. I was simply left out in the cold.
So now here I am, 4 days later and miserable still. There is much that has happened in the past 4 days but that will come later. For now you have the pretty brief generic history and prelude to this blog. Stay tuned because I will be talking about more about my thoughts and experiences as I go through this healing transitional process.
J and I met the week before this prior spring semester ended which was in April. We met on that very unknown website "MySpace" and soon after meeting started talking on the phone. Our conversations would last for hours on end, it was great. We finally started hanging out and my first thought was damn this boy is hott! He was very much my type... nice facial hair, solid build, nice ass, great lips, deep eyes, sexy voice, and even some piercings to make things a little more spicy. Well we got to know each other, not significantly and soon enough we jumped into a "committed relationship" our first big mistake... being eager. Well to shorten this up, we dated from May 1st to July 31st and it was a rocky road throughout. See he had never been in a relationship before, well not a real solid one anyway. He had just kinda gotten out of the typical gay male "slut" phase. He had an ex who he liked about 8 months prior to our relationship but that ended badly and he was torn up about it. Anyway... so his inexperience with close relationships (including friendships) has kinda turned him into a selfish, stubborn, and closed off individual. Now that's definitely NOT all that there is to him, but those are three of his primary traits. So we ran into plenty of problems about compromise, consideration, thoughtfulness and the likes. Things kept going up and down all of the time and almost like clockwork around the end of every month he'd tell me "I'm not sure if I really want a relationship" but then would keep things going between us. Finally in the last week of July he broke up with me because he didn't want to keep hurting me and he felt he actually didn't want a relationship. No harm, no foul.
After our breakup I was initially hurt but at the same time kind of relieved because I hated how we were and I didn't have the strength to let him go myself. I convinced myself the night we broke up that it's ok, it's his loss not mine and that I deserve better. I became so confident in that decision that I woke up the next morning and felt like a big weight had been lifted off of my shoulders... I didn't realize until then how heavy our relationship was weighing on me. Well that same morning he called me and was really sad and was talking about how he's just been constantly thinking that maybe he made a mistake. I told him he really needed to think about that and that I needed to do some thinking as well. After he got off work that day I came over to his house to talk to him about everything. He was so upset, he left lost and alone like he was never going to see me again. I promised in confidence I would be his friend. He couldn't even look me in the eyes without crying. It was a truly sad yet amazing moment. I felt his pain deeply but I was amazed and proud of him for letting his emotion out because he bottles things up inside. When we parted ways I assured him we would still be friends and that he would never lose me, and that he needed time to get his life together and figure out what he really wanted or more importantly needed. The next day we talked online and he told me that he couldn't "just" be friends with me, that he had a change of heart. He told me that it had to be "all or nothing." It was a horrible ultimatum that made me sick to my stomach. On one hand I could lose him forever, which I didn't want... and on the other hand I could try again but potentially get even more hurt. After talking with him and asking him a million times if he was really willing to put in the work and truly go hand in hand with me in another relationship he told me in confidence that yes he would. So I bit the bullet and went against my gut instinct and we were back together again.
We dated again from August 1st to September 13th. This time around things were very different. He told me he felt pressured and rushed in our previous relationship... that it was too much to take on, so I decided to tone myself down and give him as much space in the relationship as possible... reduced nit picking and anything antagonistic. If I could bite my tounge so that he could ease into the relationship thing better then by all means I was willing to make that compromise for him. One of my complaints in our past was that he didn't express his desire for me enough, I felt unimportant... I told him he needed to work on that but not to force it or burn himself out on trying. Well strangely enough he suddenly became the most clingy boyfriend I have had... always saying he missed me, calling me all the time, being overly affectionate. It was weird because I felt that this wasn't really him and it made me a bit worried but I rolled with it anyway. About a month later he asked me "have you noticed a difference?" and I said "yes I have but I hope that you are not forcing this or trying to hard because that's not what I want, we know where that leads for you" and he assured me that, that was not the case. He then asked if I "was happy" and I replied "yes." I hypothesized that he was asking me those two things just to make sure I was satisfied and that soon after he would stop what he was doing, thinking it would be all good... I'm happy right? Well I was right... suddenly he became more distant and rarely expressed desire to hang out, it was like a total 180. I didn't question it, I just kept rolling with it. Well one day not too long ago we were both in shitty moods and our moods clashed and we had our first bad day together. We talked it out the next day and things seemed ok. Then about a week later I had a day off from school and had asked him that if he felt in the mood to be around people if he would let me know so we could spend time with me, and he agreed. Well later that next day he called me up from the gas station and told me he was getting gas and picking up liquor because he was going to go out and get drunk with his friend. There was no acknowledgment of us hanging out or consideration about that, I was hurt and insulted. I felt second place. We ended up fighting about it and the next morning he decided that he didn't want to deal with a relationship, that commitment wasn't for him at this point in his life. He told me he was getting the urge to go out, like he did in his slut phase, and be adventurous with other guys. I was extremely hurt and surprised by all of this. I was simply left out in the cold.
So now here I am, 4 days later and miserable still. There is much that has happened in the past 4 days but that will come later. For now you have the pretty brief generic history and prelude to this blog. Stay tuned because I will be talking about more about my thoughts and experiences as I go through this healing transitional process.
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