I couldn't stand how J was treating me... so I decided to write my feelings and cut him loose. Here is the letter I wrote him. I sent it just a few minutes ago.
-----------------------------------------------
I know how much your head hurts when certain things are brought up in discussion but for one last time just deal with it and read what I have to say. If you ever cared about me just read this and then you don’t have to do anything else for me ever. Who knows by the end of reading this you may be jumping for joy and feel very relieved so it could be very much worth it. Just do me this one last favor. By the way I sent this to your E-Mail as well, just incase MySpace fucked up.
We have known each other almost six months now. In the vast majority of that time you have treated me with caring, warmth and respect. You have treated me like a friend, like someone who mattered in your life, like someone who you wanted around. Ever since we broke up all of that has gone out of the window, in every regard, without exaggeration. I have to say that I am beyond confused, insulted, and downright hurt.
When we broke up you made it a point to make some things known. First you stress to me that you really care for me, think I’m an awesome guy and that sometimes you think you love me. Ok sure that’s not love but if you were somewhere in that ballpark then at least that signifies that you do very much like me and enjoy my presence in your life. To solidify that fact more you made it very clear to me that you didn’t want to lose me in your life, that you wanted me to be your friend, even saying to me “don’t take too long” when I told you I needed some time alone to process and heal. So there was this sense of longing on your behalf for us to still be connected in someway. Well I took about a week and a half up until your birthday, to have my alone time, and then after delivering your presents I made it clear that I was ready to be your friend, but ever since that day you have been anything but my friend.
We have talked about your issues with your current friendships several times. It’s something in your life that you want improvement on. You have always described yourself to be, at the least, dissatisfied with your friendships. You complained that your friends don’t ever call you to see how you are, get an update. They only call you if they need something or just want a one sided conversation. You felt that your friendships lacked substance and caring to some degree. When I told you I would continue to be your friend after we broke up I stipulated that I would put in as much effort into our friendship as you did, and you said to me exactly these words “I wish my friends would do that for me.” I’ve always wanted to show you what a real friendship is like, the ones that surround not only me but many people I know. Friendships where you actually feel like those people in your life give a damn about you.
So I treated you exactly how I treat all of my friends. I called you to say hello and see how you are doing. I contacted you through Internet means. I extended invitations to hang out or to make plans together. I was active in our friendship, and was very much trying to be your friend. And what do I get in return? Nothing. I get ignored when I try to call you. You don’t return my calls. When you actually talk to me on the phone you are very short with me, and your tone sounds like you don’t want to have anything to do with me, like talking to me is a burden for you. You ignore my instant messages a lot of time and are always trying to get out of conversing with me. Not only that but since we broke up you haven’t once contacted me without prompt from me and nor have you cared to ask how I am doing or anything regarding my life.
You’re always so much in a rush to not talk to me or be involved with me in anyway. You always find an excuse not to hang out. You treat me so shitty. It almost seems intentional. It seems like you are being this way because you want me to just give up on our friendship and get out of your life without you having to make the uncomfortable decision to just say that to me. You have been acting like someone who doesn’t give a damn about me. You treat me so coldly and exactly the opposite of how you treated me through the majority of us knowing each other. In all regards you just seem like you could absolutely care less about talking to me, and in a way it very much feels like you’d be happier if we weren’t friends. For someone who told me that you don’t like to burn bridges you certainly know how to pour on the gasoline and light them up really quickly.
Do you realize that if I didn’t instant message you or call you that we would probably NEVER talk to each other? You told me the other day online, “I don’t work hard to make relationships work, they just have to happen” … ok that’s fine, and I agree if you have to work hard to make a friendship work then what’s the point? But a friendship can’t just maintain itself, some effort has to be applied on both sides. You KNOW that because you told me about how your friends treat you and that you wish they would apply more effort and now look at how you treat me. You treat me just like they treat you, and even worse actually. It’s beyond me how we can go from being good friends who had the addition of being boyfriends, to this cold extremely distanced friendship.
Then there are the trivial things that really don’t matter but still maintain some sort of validity to them. For example, your MySpace. We both know that you put meaning behind the movement of your top friends list. Logically I was always number two when we were dating, then after Kurt moved in I got moved to number four, understandable. Then I got moved even one more place and at that point I had inquired why. You told me you arrange your top friends in order of how often you see those people. Then a couple days after that Michelle had asked me randomly “why is Joe still your number two?” and I told her… well I haven’t rearranged my top friends list yet, I just expanded it to a top 16, but I suppose I could adjust it accordingly. And unfortunately because of the way you have approached our friendship I moved you to the line of top friends that don’t really talk to me that much or put much effort into their friendship with me, and everyone higher than you does. Then when I get home from my weekend in St. Augustine I see that you moved me completely off of your top friends list. I hardly find that a coincidence. It makes no sense how someone who “cares so much about me” and who at times “thinks he loves me” and who “doesn’t want to lose you in my life” and is very much wanting to be friends just discards me like that. But all of that MySpace shit doesn’t truly matter because it is so trivial, but it still holds some importance in this situation.
I have been scratching my head to figure out why you would be treating me this way. At first I thought maybe you felt the pressure of the commitment you made about mentioning to me that we may have a romantic future together sometime in the future and you realize that, that was an empty promise and you just wanted to distance yourself from me to negate what you said. My next thought was that you are just an inconsiderate user. That you just kept me around because it was comforting, and once Kurt moved in you didn’t need me in your life anymore, you already had a friend there for you. Then I thought that maybe you were pushing me away out of shame because you may feel bad for treating me so shitty while I have been tried and true to you always being there for you even after all of the bullshit. Then it occurred to me that maybe you were upset that Shelley and I have become closer friends. Maybe you also are upset that I talk to Tony still. Then I thought that maybe you found a new guy and didn’t want to deal with the possible complexity of being friends with me while your dating someone. Or maybe you just thought it would be inappropriate to talk to your ex while trying to be involved with someone new. I have no idea. Those are the only possibilities I can think of, of why you would treat me with such disregard.
You must be upset with me, that is the only thing I can think of, and honestly I think it has to do with me being friends with Shelley. All she did was check to see how I was doing the week after we broke up. Then one night, when I was really sad and I just wanted to go out and have some fun but all my friends had plans. So I called Shelley and asked if her and Fuzzy wanted to hang out and so we did. It was nice to get out and we had a fun time. Ever since then we have just been keeping in touch and becoming closer friends it’s just happened naturally. We don’t talk about you to each other, out of respect. We both even addressed the possibility of you becoming upset about us being friends. But we both agreed that there shouldn’t logically be a problem with it, cause there is nothing wrong with that especially since you want to be my friend and still have me in your life. I told her I didn’t want it to be perceived either to her or you that I was trying to “get to you” through her, like I said I’m over immature games like that and I would never use another person to hurt someone else, that’s just horrible. It’s nice to make a new friend. So if Shelley and I’s friendship has anything to do with why you are treating me like this then you should have said something.
If you are hurt about something and wanted to get back at me then congratulations you have succeeded. You have hurt me. You have added insult to injury. You win. I give up. I am a good guy who has been nothing but nice to you regardless of the pain you have placed upon me. I respected you and your decisions towards me, and would never do anything to hurt you. So am I supposed to take this not so subtle hint? Am I just supposed to take the cue and accept that you really don’t care about me being in your life at all?
I have been nothing but a friend to you. I haven’t done anything mean to you. I have been supportive, respectful and everything that a friend should be. I can’t figure out why I deserve this from you. And I’m definitely not exaggerating about any of this. You treat me less than an acquaintance. You treat me like I’m someone you don’t want to have anything to do with, and for the life of me I cannot figure out why. Put yourself in my shoes. Remember when your ex rejected you and you went nuts and told your mutual friends not to talk to him, and the Marie thing happened… you even fought with Tony about it too. You used your pain as vengeance to some degree. So you know how that feels. Well I too wanted to inflict pain on you in the very beginning but I realized I’m so much more mature than that and I am beyond those days in my life where if I was hurt I would turn around inflict it back. I care about you so much and from all the nice and encouraging things you said to me during our break up I decided that I wanted to take the high road and truly wanted to be a great friend to you. But now day in and day out you just keep pushing me farther and farther away.
If that is the case I will walk away no problem. A week ago I finally got my emotions back together and have started to feel confident and happy again. I have set new goals for myself that I’m excited about getting started. I’m over the pain you caused with your sudden break with me. And over the past couple of weeks since your birthday, witnessing first hand how you treat me as a friend, I have just grown more and more disgusted by your treatment of me. So walking away from this friendship at this point really wouldn’t be a problem. At least I could walk away from you and I with my head held high because I know that I was a good friend to you: truthful, honest, treating you with respect and like someone who I gave a damn about. I’ve always supported you and been there for you. I have never in our near six months of knowing each other ever treated you less than a friend. I can’t say the same at all for you. You treat me less than an acquaintance, you treat me like someone who has hurt you and whom you just don’t give a damn about. I am so much more than that and have done nothing to deserve this.
I am good person. I am a great friend. I treat people well. I have many solid and meaningful friendships because my friends and I work equally to maintain our close bonds and it’s effortless because when you care for people maintaining friendships always are just that, effortless. Like you would say “it just happens.” It’s when people don’t care about others when things slip away and crumble. I’m left to assume that you are the one who just doesn’t care. All of those words about “needing me in your life” and “not taking to long” and thinking “I’m an amazing person” and you “not wanting to burn your bridges” and even that disgustingly empty expression “maybe someday when things get together for me I would have to no problem asking you out again”… all of those things were just colorful words to keep the peace and to make you seem like you care, but your actions speak much louder and more truthful than any of those words you have said to me. You don’t treat me like you respect me, or even care at all about me.
All of this saddens me. I’m so disappointed in you. I had hoped for once that your actions and words would match. But they don’t. You have confused me beyond no ends. You are losing someone who really gives a damn about you. For the longest time I put up with a lot of immature bullshit, that you even said to me you wouldn’t put up with. But all this friend bullshit is beyond me, and I will no longer swallow it, I have a lot more respect for myself than that. No one who cares about me treats me with such disregard. I’ll quote a song that’s been on the radio lately… “you tell me you need me then you go and cut me down.” You told me after our first break up months ago that you needed me and then a little over month later you simply cut me down from your rope. Then at that point you held up a new rope, the rope of friendship, and said once again that you needed me, so I struggled to climb on but was there hanging on and once again you just cut me down, this time through silence.
I’ll say this again I have done nothing to deserve this. I unconditionally care for you and have always been your friend and nothing less. You got angry at me when you broke up with me for saying that I didn’t think you really cared about me, and I thought that maybe you were right… but now, there is no way you could convince me or anyone else who would watch the friendship we have had over the past several weeks that you do care like you said you did. You have successfully burned our bridge. I’m almost positive that this is what you have wanted, for me to finally give up. Well you win. I’m so much better than this and I will walk away without a tear or self-doubt because I know who I am and all the good I have done for you and with that confidence I will happily move forward, allowing the ashes of our burnt bridge to fly away in the wind.
Regardless of how this has all come to pass I genuinely can say that I will always love you. I wish so much that you would care enough to want to be my friend. I wish so much that things were different, and I don’t understand why they are not. I do not harbor hate for you, or even dislike. I’m just gravely disappointed. You are a great person with a huge heart. You could charm the pants off anyone. You have a lot of growing up to do but I have faith in that you will get there. I honestly wish you the absolute best in life. I hope you get into USF and finish your degree. I hope Apollo lives a long and happy life with you. I hope that Kurt and you continue to become better and better friends. I wish you the best, and I always will. I’m sorry I can’t be a part if that any longer, but I can’t carry this weight anymore. This drastic change between you and I has the potential to slow my movement forward in life and until you can treat me with the respect and caring that you did before we broke up then I have to take my leave from you. I hope you can always look back at me and see a good guy who cared unconditionally for you, and who would have always been there for you through thick and thin, regardless of what kind of relationship we were in. If I have hurt you in any way then it was unintentional and if I would have known about it I would have mended it in a blink of an eye.
Take care of yourself. I hope life treats you well and that you end up exactly where you dream of being. I wish I could be around in your life to see all of those things happen. Good Luck & Good-Bye.
Sincerely,
Daniel
-----------------------------------------------
Pressing the send button was one of the hardest things for me to do, but this was necessary and I need to move on from this because I am a better person than this and deserve better. I am sad, but I am more relieved that I can now move ahead without this crap weighing me down.
