The last time J and I talked was this past Sunday. That was the night we talked about me finding out he was trying to hang out with someone the same day we broke up. I told him that the thing that makes this so hard for me is that he told me that he really likes me, thinks I am an amazing guy, and that sometimes I thinks he loves me. He told me that once he got all of his bachelor crap out of his system that he would see no problem asking me out again. Sadly I hold onto that thought. He got upset and said "why would you put your life on hold for me" to which I explained that I would never put my life on hold, that's insane. I simply have more important priorities in my life that I should divert my time and energy to (friends and most importantly school) and that I am not really interested in dating anyone else so holding onto the thought of his hopefully eventual proposition is ok for me to wait for. He said to me "why would you even want to date me after all of this crap?" and I said... "I wouldn't automatically date you, I'd have to feel comfortable with your attitude and would have to have seen a change in you, a noticeable, believable and honest one." I told him that he is worth it. I have always seen so much in him. He is so attractive to me, the epitome of what I look for physically, down to a T and I know emotionally he and I can connect very well. He has a lot of growing up to do emotionally but I have no problem being by his side letting him grow. I'd be willing to wait for that because I see the amazing person that he is. His walls just block a lot of who he is deep down inside. He just doesn't understand how I can look at him that way. He puts himself in my shoes and says that he could never be me.
Well anyway... in our last conversation I told him that I wanted to remain friends like he requested as well. I told him in prior conversations that I wasn't sure if I could handle being friends because I know where that road can eventually lead... to destruction completely. If he started to date people, I would be upset and I wouldn't really be a true friend because friends are supportive to one another. Our friendship would have painfully limited boundaries and that's not what he needs in his life. He needs good quality full encompassing friendships which he self admittingly lacks. I would love to provide that for him but because of our complicated history and my feelings, feel that it would be difficult, especially for me. Our friendship would eat away at me. But I don't want to lose him in my life so I told him I am going to take some time alone to search deep down inside and figure out how to be his friend in the fullest way and that I would get back to him when I was able to talk to him as a friend and not an ex-boyfriend. So he said that he needed to take some time alone as well. I told him that I would not contact him (or vice versa) until his birthday which is now about 6 days away. I told him that on that day I simply want to come by his house and give him his present that I got him a couple of weeks ago, a quick in and out. I said that maybe by his birthday we could start talking again but that I wasn't sure, we would have to see how it felt. He agreed and our conversation ended.
The next morning I had a thought... I had to contact him to ask. So instead of calling him I sent him a MySpace message. We had planned weeks ago to go to Universal Studios this upcoming Friday. I suggested that if he still had the day off if he was interested in still going with me. I said that I wasn't sure how appropriate that would be but my thought behind it was that we have this tension between us and that a day of purely friendly fun at a theme park might be a great way to shake the tension and just have fun together, just to start our friendship off on a good note. He read the message but didn't reply back... which I admit bothers me a lot, I just want an answer. I don't think I'm going to contact him again about it. If he doesn't get back to me then I won't bother him, I'll just wait for his Birthday, give him his present and go on my way. I have no idea how I will feel by that time but oh well, that's the plan for now.
Well anyway... in our last conversation I told him that I wanted to remain friends like he requested as well. I told him in prior conversations that I wasn't sure if I could handle being friends because I know where that road can eventually lead... to destruction completely. If he started to date people, I would be upset and I wouldn't really be a true friend because friends are supportive to one another. Our friendship would have painfully limited boundaries and that's not what he needs in his life. He needs good quality full encompassing friendships which he self admittingly lacks. I would love to provide that for him but because of our complicated history and my feelings, feel that it would be difficult, especially for me. Our friendship would eat away at me. But I don't want to lose him in my life so I told him I am going to take some time alone to search deep down inside and figure out how to be his friend in the fullest way and that I would get back to him when I was able to talk to him as a friend and not an ex-boyfriend. So he said that he needed to take some time alone as well. I told him that I would not contact him (or vice versa) until his birthday which is now about 6 days away. I told him that on that day I simply want to come by his house and give him his present that I got him a couple of weeks ago, a quick in and out. I said that maybe by his birthday we could start talking again but that I wasn't sure, we would have to see how it felt. He agreed and our conversation ended.
The next morning I had a thought... I had to contact him to ask. So instead of calling him I sent him a MySpace message. We had planned weeks ago to go to Universal Studios this upcoming Friday. I suggested that if he still had the day off if he was interested in still going with me. I said that I wasn't sure how appropriate that would be but my thought behind it was that we have this tension between us and that a day of purely friendly fun at a theme park might be a great way to shake the tension and just have fun together, just to start our friendship off on a good note. He read the message but didn't reply back... which I admit bothers me a lot, I just want an answer. I don't think I'm going to contact him again about it. If he doesn't get back to me then I won't bother him, I'll just wait for his Birthday, give him his present and go on my way. I have no idea how I will feel by that time but oh well, that's the plan for now.
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