I was thinking about the recent events over the weekend, ya know, the letter and J's out lash. I started to feel some regret but after examining my feelings I realized that I should have no regrets. I did what I felt I had to do. I felt that having a simple conversation with J about my feelings on our friendship would do nothing, because he doesn't do well with one on one conversations. It's almost as if things go in one ear and out of the other. The times when he has most payed attention have been when I have written something to him... anything, even good things. So by writing him that letter and also removing him off my MySpace I knew it would make more of an impact than if I just verbally expressed myself... well I'd also have to get him to answer his phone which was almost impossible while we were "friends." At least now he will sit with this and think about it, just like he did with the Marie thing (if he wants to run with the incomparable comparison then I'll continue with it too). He told me while we were dating that he still misses her. The way they ended their friendship was dramatic, full of rage, and really immature... but as much as he hates her, when he talked about her I could look in his eyes and hear subtle tones in his voice that all described to me the regret he has for a lot of things that happened in regards to that situation. I have a feeling in a few months time there will be some regret in regards to his feelings on me, but knowing J, his extreme stubbornness and pride will always get in the way of him ever expressing that or addressing those feelings. That's fine with me, because it's to be expected.
Even after all of this bullshit I still miss him. Like I said in my letter, which I genuinely meant he will always have a place in my heart, and a good one. He will always be someone I care about and I will always wish him the best in life. And still, even right now, if he REALLY needed me for something I would be there for him. I understand his anger to which he is throwing at me, and why he is. I know that deep down inside he is not really angry with me, he just can't control the feelings that this whole situation has caused and he is channeling it the only way he knows how, with anger. The boy, since I have known him, has so much anger inside. I have always tried to help find a reason for it, and be something in his life to relieve the need for that negative expression, but he holds it so close because it's comfortable for him only because it's so familiar to him. I hope he can continue to grow and find a way to let go of the anger he has inside that he uses all of the time. Like he said to me several times about himself "A therapist would have a field day with me."
Eventually, sometime in the second quarter of 2008 I will contact J. I'm hoping by that time he will have some positive things to say. I'm hoping we can at least talk calmly about the situation that has transpired and truly close some doors, because obviously there is negative emotions he is carrying and I still have some of my door left to close. I have found, in situations like this, that if you let a significant amount of time pass and eventually talk with that person that you are able to bandage up the wounds of the past and move completely forward, and should never have to think back and feel those negative things again. I have done it once with a dear friend who I completely intentionally destroyed out of anger (back when I was much like J, but I, self-admittingly was far more vicious)... 5 years past without us ever talking. We finally had to because a mutual friend was getting married and we were going to have to be at the same place. So we talked it out and we are now friends again :) I'm not saying J and I will be friends again, but I'm hoping that if enough time passes we can at least be civil and properly close our door with nice words. And if a new door opens in the process, like it did with my friend then so be it.
Good Night.
Even after all of this bullshit I still miss him. Like I said in my letter, which I genuinely meant he will always have a place in my heart, and a good one. He will always be someone I care about and I will always wish him the best in life. And still, even right now, if he REALLY needed me for something I would be there for him. I understand his anger to which he is throwing at me, and why he is. I know that deep down inside he is not really angry with me, he just can't control the feelings that this whole situation has caused and he is channeling it the only way he knows how, with anger. The boy, since I have known him, has so much anger inside. I have always tried to help find a reason for it, and be something in his life to relieve the need for that negative expression, but he holds it so close because it's comfortable for him only because it's so familiar to him. I hope he can continue to grow and find a way to let go of the anger he has inside that he uses all of the time. Like he said to me several times about himself "A therapist would have a field day with me."
Eventually, sometime in the second quarter of 2008 I will contact J. I'm hoping by that time he will have some positive things to say. I'm hoping we can at least talk calmly about the situation that has transpired and truly close some doors, because obviously there is negative emotions he is carrying and I still have some of my door left to close. I have found, in situations like this, that if you let a significant amount of time pass and eventually talk with that person that you are able to bandage up the wounds of the past and move completely forward, and should never have to think back and feel those negative things again. I have done it once with a dear friend who I completely intentionally destroyed out of anger (back when I was much like J, but I, self-admittingly was far more vicious)... 5 years past without us ever talking. We finally had to because a mutual friend was getting married and we were going to have to be at the same place. So we talked it out and we are now friends again :) I'm not saying J and I will be friends again, but I'm hoping that if enough time passes we can at least be civil and properly close our door with nice words. And if a new door opens in the process, like it did with my friend then so be it.
Good Night.
No comments:
Post a Comment