Finally, Moving On...

It's been a while since my last post. I thought I would update this blog. Not a lot has happened since my llast post but a lot of feelings have transpired. After the whole final blow out with Joe I just decided to do what I set out to do by sending that letter, move on with my life. I wanted to get my focus back on school, my friends, and my life. It was fine moving on because Joe's immature response just solidified my justification for wanting to disband from him. Even though he proved me right it still really bothered me that he now harbored these illogical feelings of hatred for me. I don't like it at all when people are upset with me, and he has no real reason to, even though I'm sure some of his feelings are valid and he has the right to have them. I just wish we could talk things out and at least have our door be closed in a much softer fashion. It was hard to get this qualm off of my mind but then Seth came along out of nowhere. Seth is this really nice guy I met online and we hit it off amazingly well right off the bat. We have been hanging out for the past couple of weeks and it has been really nice. He just reminded me that there are better people out there. Since meeting him I haven't once thought heavily about the whole Joe bullshit and that has been quite a nice reprieve for me! Not only that but strengthening my friendships with Shelley, Fuzzy and Tony have really been great. I love making new friends and developing friendships and it's just been really nice to be let into those peoples lives in such a strong way. I'm bouncing back, and quite quickly. I'm excited for the future, I always have been but now it's a little more uplifting since some more good quality people have entered my life.

I Wish...

I wish J would call me. I wish he would call to talk things out and not really apologize (because it's not really necessary) but at least say that he was wrong or felt badly for things. I just want him to make amends. I miss the stubborn and selfish bastard... well not that side of him, lol. I miss our friendship, well the friendship we had before we broke up. I keep thinking about how much he changed after he broke up with me and I keep wondering... was he only nice to me because he felt he had to be because we were dating? Was he just my friend out of responsibility? I don't think that was the case, but it's a possibility. I just wish he didn't harbor so much anger towards me now, but it's to be expected. I don't dislike him, hate him, or have any strong negative feelings for him other than annoyance and frustration. I'm more or less just disappointed and slightly sad. I'm moving on just fine, it just sucks to have to have things end this way. I know I brought it on, but I just couldn't sit there anymore being silent because I couldn't stand it anymore, just hearing the tone of his voice to me on the phone or even the tone of his IM's just made me feel less than someone in his life, and that made me wanna claw my eyes out.

Things will be interesting in the next couple of months. Soon his cousin will be out of jail and since I am decently good friends with him I am wondering how J will deal with that. He seems to be dealing with Shelley and I being friends fine, so that's good. I'm just hoping it stays that way and that he doesn't start to become all ultimatum-ish with them. Soon his cousin will have a new house and is going to be throwing parties, I'm sure I'll be invited, and I'm sure J will too... that's where things will get interesting. I'm sure eventually we will have to be at the same place, and I don't mind that... like I said, I have no qualms with him and don't care to start drama, that's the last thing I need. I just hope he can be mature, but that's probably asking for too much, we shall see... I'm not putting any faith in it. I just wish things were different, but they aren't so onward we go!

Reflection & Looking Ahead...

I was thinking about the recent events over the weekend, ya know, the letter and J's out lash. I started to feel some regret but after examining my feelings I realized that I should have no regrets. I did what I felt I had to do. I felt that having a simple conversation with J about my feelings on our friendship would do nothing, because he doesn't do well with one on one conversations. It's almost as if things go in one ear and out of the other. The times when he has most payed attention have been when I have written something to him... anything, even good things. So by writing him that letter and also removing him off my MySpace I knew it would make more of an impact than if I just verbally expressed myself... well I'd also have to get him to answer his phone which was almost impossible while we were "friends." At least now he will sit with this and think about it, just like he did with the Marie thing (if he wants to run with the incomparable comparison then I'll continue with it too). He told me while we were dating that he still misses her. The way they ended their friendship was dramatic, full of rage, and really immature... but as much as he hates her, when he talked about her I could look in his eyes and hear subtle tones in his voice that all described to me the regret he has for a lot of things that happened in regards to that situation. I have a feeling in a few months time there will be some regret in regards to his feelings on me, but knowing J, his extreme stubbornness and pride will always get in the way of him ever expressing that or addressing those feelings. That's fine with me, because it's to be expected.

Even after all of this bullshit I still miss him. Like I said in my letter, which I genuinely meant he will always have a place in my heart, and a good one. He will always be someone I care about and I will always wish him the best in life. And still, even right now, if he REALLY needed me for something I would be there for him. I understand his anger to which he is throwing at me, and why he is. I know that deep down inside he is not really angry with me, he just can't control the feelings that this whole situation has caused and he is channeling it the only way he knows how, with anger. The boy, since I have known him, has so much anger inside. I have always tried to help find a reason for it, and be something in his life to relieve the need for that negative expression, but he holds it so close because it's comfortable for him only because it's so familiar to him. I hope he can continue to grow and find a way to let go of the anger he has inside that he uses all of the time. Like he said to me several times about himself "A therapist would have a field day with me."

Eventually, sometime in the second quarter of 2008 I will contact J. I'm hoping by that time he will have some positive things to say. I'm hoping we can at least talk calmly about the situation that has transpired and truly close some doors, because obviously there is negative emotions he is carrying and I still have some of my door left to close. I have found, in situations like this, that if you let a significant amount of time pass and eventually talk with that person that you are able to bandage up the wounds of the past and move completely forward, and should never have to think back and feel those negative things again. I have done it once with a dear friend who I completely intentionally destroyed out of anger (back when I was much like J, but I, self-admittingly was far more vicious)... 5 years past without us ever talking. We finally had to because a mutual friend was getting married and we were going to have to be at the same place. So we talked it out and we are now friends again :) I'm not saying J and I will be friends again, but I'm hoping that if enough time passes we can at least be civil and properly close our door with nice words. And if a new door opens in the process, like it did with my friend then so be it.

Good Night.

He's Pissed...

So J read the letter and that was that. I expected it to be a silent ending with no response back but boy was I wrong. I posted a Bulletin on MySpace that said:

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I finally ended things with Joe... The Friendship could no longer go on this way, it disgusted me. It saddens me to have to cut someone out who I cared so much about and treated very well, but I deserve to be treated better and with more consideration. I value my friendships and treat my friends with respect and admiration. My friendship with him post-break up was horrible and rather insulting to me. So time to move on.

I updated my blog on Blogspot which talks more about it, if anyone is interested. Anyway... I'm sad, disappointed and frustrated but at the same time relieved that I no longer have this weight on me.

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So I later get a comment from one of my best friends on my MySpace thats says:

"I'm soo glad you finally decided to trim the fat out of your life. It was doing you no good.congratulations!"

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Well J obviously went to my MySpace and read that comment... when I got home tonight I was welcomed to this wonderful message:

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Yes Daniel...I'm glad you trimmed the fat outta your life too as she so eloquently put it...now I know what you really thought of me!! Awesome...great! And the deleting only adds insult to pseudo-injury...cuz I sure ain't hurt. I feel refreshed to be totally honest. Call me irrational, but since we broke up, I have got nothing but constant gnawing from you dude...its called clingy, and its called not letting go! At least to me it seems that way. So since you deleted me I am taking the liberty of blocking you, cuz I don't care to know your response to this message. Am I doing exactly what I did to Marie? Yes! We are doomed as they say...so now you and her have something in common besides just knowing me.

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He not only blocked me on MySpace but he also blocked me on AIM, but I have 10,000 screen names so I used one the ones I knew he didn't have. I think the only thing that pissed me off was the fact that he called me clingy because my actions after his birthday were anything BUT clingy. All I did was call him once or twice to get an update on things in his life, had meaningless trivial conversations with him on AIM, and asked him if he would like to hang out sometime. I didn't push or do anything clingy whatsoever. I was acting like a friend. I was acting like I do towards any other friend I have. So he can fuck off with that bullshit. He's obviously upset that his shitty treatment of people has finally been exposed and he feels the only way to cover up his own shame is through anger and retaliation. It's such a mature thing to do! Way to go J! OMG I am so over this crap.

I Ended Things...

I couldn't stand how J was treating me... so I decided to write my feelings and cut him loose. Here is the letter I wrote him. I sent it just a few minutes ago.

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I know how much your head hurts when certain things are brought up in discussion but for one last time just deal with it and read what I have to say. If you ever cared about me just read this and then you don’t have to do anything else for me ever. Who knows by the end of reading this you may be jumping for joy and feel very relieved so it could be very much worth it. Just do me this one last favor. By the way I sent this to your E-Mail as well, just incase MySpace fucked up.

We have known each other almost six months now. In the vast majority of that time you have treated me with caring, warmth and respect. You have treated me like a friend, like someone who mattered in your life, like someone who you wanted around. Ever since we broke up all of that has gone out of the window, in every regard, without exaggeration. I have to say that I am beyond confused, insulted, and downright hurt.

When we broke up you made it a point to make some things known. First you stress to me that you really care for me, think I’m an awesome guy and that sometimes you think you love me. Ok sure that’s not love but if you were somewhere in that ballpark then at least that signifies that you do very much like me and enjoy my presence in your life. To solidify that fact more you made it very clear to me that you didn’t want to lose me in your life, that you wanted me to be your friend, even saying to me “don’t take too long” when I told you I needed some time alone to process and heal. So there was this sense of longing on your behalf for us to still be connected in someway. Well I took about a week and a half up until your birthday, to have my alone time, and then after delivering your presents I made it clear that I was ready to be your friend, but ever since that day you have been anything but my friend.

We have talked about your issues with your current friendships several times. It’s something in your life that you want improvement on. You have always described yourself to be, at the least, dissatisfied with your friendships. You complained that your friends don’t ever call you to see how you are, get an update. They only call you if they need something or just want a one sided conversation. You felt that your friendships lacked substance and caring to some degree. When I told you I would continue to be your friend after we broke up I stipulated that I would put in as much effort into our friendship as you did, and you said to me exactly these words “I wish my friends would do that for me.” I’ve always wanted to show you what a real friendship is like, the ones that surround not only me but many people I know. Friendships where you actually feel like those people in your life give a damn about you.

So I treated you exactly how I treat all of my friends. I called you to say hello and see how you are doing. I contacted you through Internet means. I extended invitations to hang out or to make plans together. I was active in our friendship, and was very much trying to be your friend. And what do I get in return? Nothing. I get ignored when I try to call you. You don’t return my calls. When you actually talk to me on the phone you are very short with me, and your tone sounds like you don’t want to have anything to do with me, like talking to me is a burden for you. You ignore my instant messages a lot of time and are always trying to get out of conversing with me. Not only that but since we broke up you haven’t once contacted me without prompt from me and nor have you cared to ask how I am doing or anything regarding my life.

You’re always so much in a rush to not talk to me or be involved with me in anyway. You always find an excuse not to hang out. You treat me so shitty. It almost seems intentional. It seems like you are being this way because you want me to just give up on our friendship and get out of your life without you having to make the uncomfortable decision to just say that to me. You have been acting like someone who doesn’t give a damn about me. You treat me so coldly and exactly the opposite of how you treated me through the majority of us knowing each other. In all regards you just seem like you could absolutely care less about talking to me, and in a way it very much feels like you’d be happier if we weren’t friends. For someone who told me that you don’t like to burn bridges you certainly know how to pour on the gasoline and light them up really quickly.

Do you realize that if I didn’t instant message you or call you that we would probably NEVER talk to each other? You told me the other day online, “I don’t work hard to make relationships work, they just have to happen” … ok that’s fine, and I agree if you have to work hard to make a friendship work then what’s the point? But a friendship can’t just maintain itself, some effort has to be applied on both sides. You KNOW that because you told me about how your friends treat you and that you wish they would apply more effort and now look at how you treat me. You treat me just like they treat you, and even worse actually. It’s beyond me how we can go from being good friends who had the addition of being boyfriends, to this cold extremely distanced friendship.

Then there are the trivial things that really don’t matter but still maintain some sort of validity to them. For example, your MySpace. We both know that you put meaning behind the movement of your top friends list. Logically I was always number two when we were dating, then after Kurt moved in I got moved to number four, understandable. Then I got moved even one more place and at that point I had inquired why. You told me you arrange your top friends in order of how often you see those people. Then a couple days after that Michelle had asked me randomly “why is Joe still your number two?” and I told her… well I haven’t rearranged my top friends list yet, I just expanded it to a top 16, but I suppose I could adjust it accordingly. And unfortunately because of the way you have approached our friendship I moved you to the line of top friends that don’t really talk to me that much or put much effort into their friendship with me, and everyone higher than you does. Then when I get home from my weekend in St. Augustine I see that you moved me completely off of your top friends list. I hardly find that a coincidence. It makes no sense how someone who “cares so much about me” and who at times “thinks he loves me” and who “doesn’t want to lose you in my life” and is very much wanting to be friends just discards me like that. But all of that MySpace shit doesn’t truly matter because it is so trivial, but it still holds some importance in this situation.

I have been scratching my head to figure out why you would be treating me this way. At first I thought maybe you felt the pressure of the commitment you made about mentioning to me that we may have a romantic future together sometime in the future and you realize that, that was an empty promise and you just wanted to distance yourself from me to negate what you said. My next thought was that you are just an inconsiderate user. That you just kept me around because it was comforting, and once Kurt moved in you didn’t need me in your life anymore, you already had a friend there for you. Then I thought that maybe you were pushing me away out of shame because you may feel bad for treating me so shitty while I have been tried and true to you always being there for you even after all of the bullshit. Then it occurred to me that maybe you were upset that Shelley and I have become closer friends. Maybe you also are upset that I talk to Tony still. Then I thought that maybe you found a new guy and didn’t want to deal with the possible complexity of being friends with me while your dating someone. Or maybe you just thought it would be inappropriate to talk to your ex while trying to be involved with someone new. I have no idea. Those are the only possibilities I can think of, of why you would treat me with such disregard.

You must be upset with me, that is the only thing I can think of, and honestly I think it has to do with me being friends with Shelley. All she did was check to see how I was doing the week after we broke up. Then one night, when I was really sad and I just wanted to go out and have some fun but all my friends had plans. So I called Shelley and asked if her and Fuzzy wanted to hang out and so we did. It was nice to get out and we had a fun time. Ever since then we have just been keeping in touch and becoming closer friends it’s just happened naturally. We don’t talk about you to each other, out of respect. We both even addressed the possibility of you becoming upset about us being friends. But we both agreed that there shouldn’t logically be a problem with it, cause there is nothing wrong with that especially since you want to be my friend and still have me in your life. I told her I didn’t want it to be perceived either to her or you that I was trying to “get to you” through her, like I said I’m over immature games like that and I would never use another person to hurt someone else, that’s just horrible. It’s nice to make a new friend. So if Shelley and I’s friendship has anything to do with why you are treating me like this then you should have said something.

If you are hurt about something and wanted to get back at me then congratulations you have succeeded. You have hurt me. You have added insult to injury. You win. I give up. I am a good guy who has been nothing but nice to you regardless of the pain you have placed upon me. I respected you and your decisions towards me, and would never do anything to hurt you. So am I supposed to take this not so subtle hint? Am I just supposed to take the cue and accept that you really don’t care about me being in your life at all?

I have been nothing but a friend to you. I haven’t done anything mean to you. I have been supportive, respectful and everything that a friend should be. I can’t figure out why I deserve this from you. And I’m definitely not exaggerating about any of this. You treat me less than an acquaintance. You treat me like I’m someone you don’t want to have anything to do with, and for the life of me I cannot figure out why. Put yourself in my shoes. Remember when your ex rejected you and you went nuts and told your mutual friends not to talk to him, and the Marie thing happened… you even fought with Tony about it too. You used your pain as vengeance to some degree. So you know how that feels. Well I too wanted to inflict pain on you in the very beginning but I realized I’m so much more mature than that and I am beyond those days in my life where if I was hurt I would turn around inflict it back. I care about you so much and from all the nice and encouraging things you said to me during our break up I decided that I wanted to take the high road and truly wanted to be a great friend to you. But now day in and day out you just keep pushing me farther and farther away.

If that is the case I will walk away no problem. A week ago I finally got my emotions back together and have started to feel confident and happy again. I have set new goals for myself that I’m excited about getting started. I’m over the pain you caused with your sudden break with me. And over the past couple of weeks since your birthday, witnessing first hand how you treat me as a friend, I have just grown more and more disgusted by your treatment of me. So walking away from this friendship at this point really wouldn’t be a problem. At least I could walk away from you and I with my head held high because I know that I was a good friend to you: truthful, honest, treating you with respect and like someone who I gave a damn about. I’ve always supported you and been there for you. I have never in our near six months of knowing each other ever treated you less than a friend. I can’t say the same at all for you. You treat me less than an acquaintance, you treat me like someone who has hurt you and whom you just don’t give a damn about. I am so much more than that and have done nothing to deserve this.

I am good person. I am a great friend. I treat people well. I have many solid and meaningful friendships because my friends and I work equally to maintain our close bonds and it’s effortless because when you care for people maintaining friendships always are just that, effortless. Like you would say “it just happens.” It’s when people don’t care about others when things slip away and crumble. I’m left to assume that you are the one who just doesn’t care. All of those words about “needing me in your life” and “not taking to long” and thinking “I’m an amazing person” and you “not wanting to burn your bridges” and even that disgustingly empty expression “maybe someday when things get together for me I would have to no problem asking you out again”… all of those things were just colorful words to keep the peace and to make you seem like you care, but your actions speak much louder and more truthful than any of those words you have said to me. You don’t treat me like you respect me, or even care at all about me.

All of this saddens me. I’m so disappointed in you. I had hoped for once that your actions and words would match. But they don’t. You have confused me beyond no ends. You are losing someone who really gives a damn about you. For the longest time I put up with a lot of immature bullshit, that you even said to me you wouldn’t put up with. But all this friend bullshit is beyond me, and I will no longer swallow it, I have a lot more respect for myself than that. No one who cares about me treats me with such disregard. I’ll quote a song that’s been on the radio lately… “you tell me you need me then you go and cut me down.” You told me after our first break up months ago that you needed me and then a little over month later you simply cut me down from your rope. Then at that point you held up a new rope, the rope of friendship, and said once again that you needed me, so I struggled to climb on but was there hanging on and once again you just cut me down, this time through silence.

I’ll say this again I have done nothing to deserve this. I unconditionally care for you and have always been your friend and nothing less. You got angry at me when you broke up with me for saying that I didn’t think you really cared about me, and I thought that maybe you were right… but now, there is no way you could convince me or anyone else who would watch the friendship we have had over the past several weeks that you do care like you said you did. You have successfully burned our bridge. I’m almost positive that this is what you have wanted, for me to finally give up. Well you win. I’m so much better than this and I will walk away without a tear or self-doubt because I know who I am and all the good I have done for you and with that confidence I will happily move forward, allowing the ashes of our burnt bridge to fly away in the wind.

Regardless of how this has all come to pass I genuinely can say that I will always love you. I wish so much that you would care enough to want to be my friend. I wish so much that things were different, and I don’t understand why they are not. I do not harbor hate for you, or even dislike. I’m just gravely disappointed. You are a great person with a huge heart. You could charm the pants off anyone. You have a lot of growing up to do but I have faith in that you will get there. I honestly wish you the absolute best in life. I hope you get into USF and finish your degree. I hope Apollo lives a long and happy life with you. I hope that Kurt and you continue to become better and better friends. I wish you the best, and I always will. I’m sorry I can’t be a part if that any longer, but I can’t carry this weight anymore. This drastic change between you and I has the potential to slow my movement forward in life and until you can treat me with the respect and caring that you did before we broke up then I have to take my leave from you. I hope you can always look back at me and see a good guy who cared unconditionally for you, and who would have always been there for you through thick and thin, regardless of what kind of relationship we were in. If I have hurt you in any way then it was unintentional and if I would have known about it I would have mended it in a blink of an eye.

Take care of yourself. I hope life treats you well and that you end up exactly where you dream of being. I wish I could be around in your life to see all of those things happen. Good Luck & Good-Bye.

Sincerely,
Daniel

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Pressing the send button was one of the hardest things for me to do, but this was necessary and I need to move on from this because I am a better person than this and deserve better. I am sad, but I am more relieved that I can now move ahead without this crap weighing me down.

Case In Point....

So I was just cruising around on MySpace and noticed that J had taken the time to move me down another spot on his top friends list. I couldn't help but instantly IM him about it. He says he lists them in order of people he sees the most, not favorites. Ok whatever. So this is what I said to him:

"I just miss our friendship and I'm trying my hardest to make it strong, and the past couple of days have been nice joking with you and having funny conversations like we used to have... I'm just looking forward to becoming friends like we were and hopefully hang out more. I just miss the friendship aspect of us and I want that to be strong again."

Then he replies with such a cold response:

"Look, the way I see it is just leave it alone, if it happens then cool, I'm getting along with you fine... I don't work hard to make a relationship work, it has to happen."

First off "if it happens then cool" how non-shalant is that? That's like saying, "eh, if we stay friends that's cool, if not oh well." I can really feel the love! Now I find the second bolded part very naive. He specifically told me that he is upset how his friends don't put in any work or effort into their friendship with him. They don't call to see how he is and such so in return he does the same. How does he expect to have something "just happen" the only way that works is if the other people do most of the work... keeping in touch, making plans etc. The funny thing is, I have put myself out there and am doing just that. I keep in touch with him meaning I contact him and I throw out the opportunity to hang out and yet he just doesn't take it from there and beyond that he doesn't even put in any effort towards me period. It has to happen? That makes no sense. Oh well... I ended the conversation saying "maybe sometime between now and the 12th we can hang out, do something fun... with others or just us, I don't care I miss hanging out" and finally I said, before he signed off, "call me sometime bitch."

So there... tag he is it. I have (sorry was interrupted by a phone call...) So yea... dammit, J just called me. Ay yi yi... maybe I'm just overreacting and am still a little sensitive. That probably is the case. The real test for me though is if he starts to take the initiative, calls me or contacts me more often (instead of me always contacting him), asks to hang out or includes me in plans. Regardless of "it has to happen" he can't just expect anyone to give a flying fuck about him if he doesn't at least put forth some sort of effort. J is always up and down, like he would say "I'm bipolar." Maybe this friendship will be worth it, maybe it won't. Time will tell.

I'm Trying, He's Not...

It's finally the beginning of October which would have made it the start of J's and I 6th month together. Oh well. I am doing a lot better now, especially since we started communicating again. It's been rather frustrating for me as well because he is seemingly putting in no effort into our friendship. He acts so flat and uninterested in talking to me that it makes me angry. This is someone who "cares so much about me" and who at times "thinks he loves me" who says that "I really want you in my life." Not only that but when I tell him I need time alone and that we can't talk he says sadly "well don't take too long." Yet when I come around and offer my friendship he just kinda treats it with no sense of enthusiasm. His actions and his words are so different that they are basically not only speaking another language but talking about two different things as well. He tells me he cares yet he acts like he doesn't. Not once since we started talking again has he asked how I was, how school was or anything involving me. I am the only one putting in the effort. I make it obvious I care whereas he is so cold to me that it's ridiculous. It almost feels like he is doing it on purpose to deter me from being friends with him. Like he is hoping if he keeps this up that I'll just drift away, and you know what? It's a good plan because it's working.

I have to give him credit though. He is now answering my instant messages and responding to the jovial conversations I am starting. It's nice to joke back and forth with him, talk about stupid things and just be friends. It makes me smile and happy when I get to have those moments with him because that's what I miss the most. I don't really miss the romantic aspect of us... sure I miss his lips, the feeling of my arms around his body and such but what I miss more is that fun companionship, the friend aspect of us. I miss talking to him on the phone, coming over and eating dinner then watching Stargate or some other TV DVD thing. I miss helping him shop at Wal-Mart or even going out and grabbing a drink at the club. I would love to do other things too. I just miss that friend stuff. But I am the one taking the initiative. I am the one trying to communicate. The only times he has reached out to me is 1) to call and tell me he couldn't hang out with him on a day I had asked if we could and 2) to tell me his cousin is in jail. That's it. I won't take the stupid excuse that he is busy because I know he is not that busy that he can't send me an IM or call me for 5 minutes and see how I'm doing, simply say hello, or make some sort of future plans to hang out? No one is that busy. At least if this all crumbles I can keep my head up high and firmly say "I meant what I said, I did want him in my life and wanted to be his friend and I was just that, a good friend" and he will not be able to say the same. If things end like this then at least I walk away the good guy and him just the inconsiderate asshole who tells people one thing and does another. I'd rather be me personally.

I miss J but day in and day out, as our new found friendship continues on, I realize how different we are, and as much as I like a challenge he takes it to an extreme. It seems I am always finding the extremes with people. With Mike D it was crazy over emotional smothering and with J it was like a complete non-emotional and inconsiderate desert. Why can't I find a middle ground person? Someone who is not a complete open book, who isn't extremely easily accessible but yet not closed off to where you only get a glimpse of emotion, compassion, consideration once in a blue moon? Someone who can make me feel loved and important but also keep me on my toes. I'm sure that person exists but who knows if I will ever get the chance to cross paths with him. This whole situation still makes me feel like I'm kinda worthless, even though I know I'm definitely not. Not only was I rejected in the relationship but I'm seemingly being rejected in the friendship too, it's so demoralizing and upsetting. I dunno... we shall see how October goes. I will at least give him until around October 13th which would be one month since we broke up. Only time will tell...

Trying Out Some Advice...

It's quite obvious that I have not been myself since J and I broke up. I have been so lost, alone, broken, confused, aloof. Having the rug slipped out from under you suddenly kinda does that. I have received a lot of varying advice from my wonderful friends. I am so fortunate to have them in my life, they are the best and most consistent things in my life and always will be. Significant others come and go, and yes so do friends but the ones I keep around me now are friends I will have forever, I can't imagine my life without them. Anyway... getting off track. Some friends have told me to focus on school and my other responsibilities. I tried that and I have been so distracted by all of this emotional pain that it makes focusing my energy very difficult. Another suggestion was a hobby. I am actually working on that, my whole gym / nutrition venture. But that will take a lot of planning before I can go ahead with it, so for now it's not helpful. Another friend suggested I get "back up on the horse" meaning go out and meet new guys. My initial thoughts about that is, no that won't help. I don't want anyone else but J. I was so physically attracted to him it was insane, so magnetic and captivating because he was everything I could have ever wanted in that regard. Emotionally he was not close enough to my type. He is so far behind in his maturity, view on life, and the way he goes about things that most of the time I didn't feel emotionally stimulated. But I stayed with him because I believed in him. He did make me happy, don't get me wrong. I had a very special connection with him. I've seen the amazing person he is and we have so much in common, but in the end the things we have in common were so trivial. The main problem between him and I was that (as Melanie put it) we are at very different places in our lives and that makes for the hardest relationship sometimes. I was willing to take a back seat and let him catch up, because he is worth it, but I realize now that what if he never caught up? Then what? I'm a very logical person and I know very well that this breakup was necessary. It's just the loneliness, disappointment and especially the rejection that makes this so tough.

So... someone said, go out and meet new guys. I decided to give it a shot. So I scoured MySpace and Gay.com, even the local bars with friends. I ended up sending out friendly messages to people I thought might be interesting. The tough part for me was everyone I looked at, I thought to myself "that isn't J" and I'd miss him. I almost felt like I was cheating on him, it's weird. Well, some people replied and I have chatted with a few people on AIM, some even on the phone and some of those in person. Every time, no matter how I'm talking to them I feel awkward. I don't feel right, like I am doing something bad. My instincts tell me this is not what I need to be doing, and my heart tells me that as well. The thought of a relationship or getting involved with anyone right now makes me feel claustrophobic and stressed. I have opened Pandora's box right now. I've made a connection with someone who really likes me. He doesn't know that two weeks ago I broke up with J. We have great fun conversation, but it just doesn't feel right. He likes me and I need to be straight up with him. He is coming over to my apartment tomorrow and I need to tell him what is going on, I have to be 100% honest because this is going to end up possibly getting emotionally hurtful to myself and more importantly someone else. I have become J now and do not know what I want and I refuse to make the same mistake he made with me twice. I will not play with someones emotions. I need to put my thoughts and feelings on the table and be open and honest like I always am.

This whole go out and date thing just isn't feeling comfortable. I have too much on my mind. I'm still a little hung up on J, I have school and my future with school to focus on, and I have to get more stable in general before I can even think of adding the responsibility of someone else's emotions to my plate. It's always something right? Life...

Friendship Already Looking Bleak...

I'm truly getting the typical J friend treatment as of right now. All of his friends IM him, message him on MySpace, call him... he never gets back to you. Only when it's convenient for him. When his friends stop trying to call him, or communicate in other ways he says "they must not care if they aren't trying to get in touch with me to see how I am." It's funny being on the friend side of things... Now I have a new perspective on his treatment of them. I'm getting the impression he is mostly at fault for the failings of his interpersonal relationships. I mean I knew that before but now it's becoming even more so clear. Oh well... I am doing my part to keeping the very innocently friendly lines of communication open. Eventually I will stop, and just drift away like the rest of his friends and if that ends up happening after a month or so of not talking (if it actually comes to that) I will send him an e-mail or letter describing my opinion on the matter and that will be that, case closed. I may be jumping the gun here right now... it's only been one day since we started talking again, and he has a lot going on with his friend moving in, so he may be busy... but I know J very well and this behavior regardless of what is going on in his life is far too common. Oh well. It's actually helping me move on from him... his blatant disregard for my efforts for friendship is so unattractive and as much as I find him physically attractive I am finding him more and more personally unattractive and that's truly what keeps people in each others lives. His looks will only get him so far. I am going to stand firm with what I told him... "I will put as much effort into our friendship as you are going to." Things are looking pretty bleak right out the gate.

I Finally Saw Him...

Today was J's Birthday. After class today I called him and drove to his house to drop off his present. When I came into his house he was moving stuff into one of the back bedrooms... I asked what he was doing and his new friend Kurt who he just started becoming closer friends with MOVED IN! This is a huge and unexpected move, but I honestly think it's a great thing for him. I told him he needed to get closer with his friends, and him and Kurt have been hanging out a lot so I think that this will be great. He won't sit at home alone and bored, he'll have a friend close by. I dunno... I think this is a great move for him. But with all great things comes a some bad to. Here is my prediction... now that he is living with a friend he will have no more need to have me around in his life at all and he will barely communicate with me and when he does it will be brief and one sided. Anyway... seeing him was a little rough and a little interesting as well. I walked in and was acting very confident and peppy. There was still this awkward tension in the air but we both managed to cut it. He opened his presents and was thankful and such. We talked for a little bit... or rather I talked to him, asked him questions about normal stuff... he really didn't have much to ask me about, self-fish uncaring bastard, lol. It sucked because all he was wearing was his gym shorts and he looked so good, but I definitely did not feel the urge to be like "lets date again!" I wanted a hug and if I am being honest I could have done with having one last kiss, but that wouldn't be a good idea. I didn't stay very long. He had shit to do and so did I. He initiated the goodbye hug and he squeezed me really hard and lifted me up and then I lifted him up. Then I kinda screwed up a little bit and before I walked to the door I gave him another big hug and held on for a tad too long, I noticed this mainly because of how he got out of it, a tiny tiny bit forceful. Lol.

Do I miss him? Sure, I always will. Will I get better? Of course. Slowly but surely I will get to where I need to be. I just hope we can be friends. I am leaving that up to him because I already put the offer on the table so he's going to have to take the next step.

Not Better Than Expected...

This weekend I had to make a 3 hour trip to St. Augustine to do some research on the city. I ended up going with one of my classmates, Greg. I not only went with him but he brought his boyfriend Brian. It was really hard being around a happy gay couple all weekend. It reminded me a lot about what I miss about J and I. I thought being away and busy would get my mind off of things but seriously there is still not a second in the day that goes by without J on my mind. My thoughts of him have no even dwindled down yet and it's been 11 days. In one and half hours it will be 12am Monday, Sept. 24th which is his birthday. I am going to post a nice happy birthday message at exactly 12am on his MySpace. Then after class tomorrow I am going to go over to his house and giving him the presents I bought for him. I have to say that time is going by so slowly... I want to see him so badly. We broke up on the 13th and I haven't physically seen him since the 9th. I really just want to give him a big hug. I miss him and I won't deny that. I do respect his decision to not want to be in a relationship and I am not going to go over there and cross any lines or start any discussion about the situation. I just want to see him, hopefully make him smile with my gifts and that's it. That's all I could ask for. I'm really hoping that when I call him tomorrow after class he actually answers and if he does, I hope he still will let me come over. I don't see why not, since he does want me as a friend. So until then... Man the next half a day is going to go by slower than ever.

He Moved Me...

This morning I checked my MySpace, and happened to go to J's and he moved me from #2 on his MySpace to #4. I know that is a STUPID reason in general to get any kind of upset about, but it bothers me none-the-less! I want to call him and find out why... ugh I'm not even going to get into my reasons behind why that actually bothers me. Be rest assured I'm actually NOT going to call or contact him over this. No reason to mention it because it would cause an unnecessary uncomfortable conversation. I guess I'm just put off. Oh well, what can I do? Bleh! It's weird how little things like this erk you, or at least me.

Sanity Creeps Back In...

I feel that I have gained at least a small percentage of my sanity back, even just in the past couple of hours. The mousse incident this morning was rough, and I opened that vitamin bottle and definitely does not smell good anymore, haha. I forgot to mention... if you refer back to my "Friendship..." post it says how I had asked if we could still go to Universal Studios together on Friday (which is tomorrow) and he finally messaged me back today and said this:

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Daniel, I planned that trip to Universal for it to be stress free, and no offense but right now I think we are a source of stress in each other's life... so I don't think it would be for the best...sorry man :( I still got tickets though, so when this thing blows over we can totally go. And in terms of stress, I hurt my damn back yesterday in the gym, so it should be so much fun anyways, you might not WANT to be around me lol.

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This kinda upset me because he considers me stressful... when I have been doing nothing but keep my distance from him. I can definitely understand potentially how he could be stressed by all of this, don't get me wrong, but I dunno... like I said earlier I wish he missed me, but whatever. So after all that I went to class and got my assignment due for next week. The assignment requires me to travel to St. Augustine, which is 4-5 hours away, and do a bunch of research, drawings and other architectural stuff. So this at least gets me away and busy for the weekend and it's almost like a vacation because I have never been there, have always wanted to go, and I heard it's beautiful. So off I go on Saturday! Tomorrow will probably be rough because I know I'll be sitting around doing nothing and thinking about how J is at Universal right now with god knows who. But I can take my free time tomorrow to do laundry, go do some laps in the pool... I'll of course call a few friends see if they are free to relax. I know tomorrow night I am going to see a movie with some friends and then hit a bar later that night with an old ex to catch up, so that'll be fun. I just need to get through the first three quarters of the day, gotta keep busy!

Speaking of doing things to keep me focused... I am going to take on strict weight training and dieting. I am a skinny guy and have always wanted to bulk up and get nice and toned. So I have been doing research about proper muscle building diets and routines and while I'm going to be miserable trying to adjust to it all I am sure I will be happy with the results months down the road and it will help boost my physical confidence and of course pump me some endorphines! I guess I'm also doing it to eventually get to J. I'm definitely not doing it for him, I am doing it for myself but it would be nice to visually rub it in his face the new nice body I will have which I know he wants to obtain. Granted he has a nice body but I know I can define my muscles better than he can because I have much less body fat, so he'll see what he gave up and I'm going to work my ass off to get to my visual goal. It'll be a good thing all around for me to do.

Anyway... I think overall I can project that by the end of next week I should be doing better, much better than I have been. I could be wrong though... if J and I start talking again after I see him on his birthday this coming Monday I could get all twisted again. I definitely want to make a post, probably my next one, about how I want to approach seeing him on his birthday and how I want to approach any type of communication with him thereafter. So until that post!

Smell, The Strongest Sense Tied To Memory...

I was just putting all of J's birthday presents in his bag, just so they would be in one place. I realized I could throw in there his mousse that he bought for my apartment so when he came over to spend the night he would have some here. I put it in the bag and paused for a moment, I then picked it up and opened it and sniffed the scent... it smelled just like him. My whole body felt him at that moment and I suddenly felt his hugs, his kisses, I saw his face, his smile, his eyes, I heard his voice... a million things like that flashed through me. At that very moment I was tentative about putting it back in the bag, I thought to myself "I could keep this, smell it from time to time..." then I stopped that train of thought and said to myself "what the fuck are you doing, put it in the god damn bag." I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I went into my bathroom and got an old vitamin bottle, washed it out and sprayed some mousse in there just so that I could still smell it... lol. God, I hate this. I miss him so much. I just wanna wake up from this nightmare. I want him to miss me as much as I miss him. Oh god, here I go again. I feel so empty again. Dammit why do I have to miss him so much! I hate emotions... I wish I could just turn them off. Bleh, I have to compose myself now and get back to doing my homework for class tonight. More thoughts later...

Out Of Sight Out Of Mind....

In the past, when I have parted ways with someone and it has been painful for me I simply just removed them from my life completely to kinda get them totally off of my mind, no reminders. With Joe this is more complicated and I can't exactly do that. I usually remove people from my AIM so I can't see them online, MySpace, and anything that I go on regularly where I can see them. I also put stuff they gave me away, out of sight. Well since J wants to remain friends and since I don't want to completely lose him in my life, I have to start finding more ways to distance myself until that point to make the healing process easier and less obsessive for me. So since I don't want to delete him from my AIM I simply shifted things around and shrunk my AIM buddy list window so that I can't see him online even if he is, this way when I glance at my AIM I won't see his name. As for MySpace well... I'm not going to move him, I'm just going to have to deal with seeing his account on my Top Friends, besides it's AIM that drives me insane the most. I am going to go through my room tonight and put things that remind me of him in a box or somewhere I never go, so this way I can be less reminded of him. I'm just going to do little things like that for right now.

I am still planning on going to his place this Monday, which is his birthday so I can JUST give him his presents, in and out, that's it. It'll be sometime after I get out of class which will be close to 4:45pm. More on my thoughts on this coming Monday soon... for now, get him as outta sight and outta mind as possible.